Real questions. Unreal answers.

4/18/10

Dear Ask Boz,

I find my heckling skills have dulled over the winter. Yelling 'Not a skier' or 'go back to the bunny hill' at Nate is great and all, but I need to be ready for months of vicious Ultimate Frisbee heckling. Can you help?
Brad aka Nine Ball

Dear Brad,
For those of you who don't play Ultimate Frisbee, Brad is talking about the evil side of our pacifist hippy sport: heckling. When you heckle another player, you are not just making fun of them for screwing up, you're also trying to hurt them mentally or spiritually. This toughens them up for a lifetime of playing a sport that nobody cares about.

Brad, the problem is that you're making fun of guys like Nate. It's too easy. Heckling Nate is like kicking the crap out of a mentally challenged five-year-old - morbidly fulfilling, but not that hard. To improve your skills, you need to heckle better players and people, like, say, oh, I don't know ... anyone else!

To climb the heckling ladder, you need some surefire one liners to warm up with. Shouting, "Fake an injury" after a bad play, noting that "Yelling "help" is not defense!", or deploying the stinging "Take up Goaltimate!" will get you ready for a long day of heckle stardom.

With those in your back pocket, you can then use these handy beginning phrases that are adaptable to any Ultimate screw up. Here are just some of the many possibilities:

  • Not a [insert heckle]- Finish this with any of the following: thrower, catcher, cutter, puller, runner, defender, thinker, good person, or player. But beware, because if your heckle sucks, "Not a heckler" is coming back your way.
  • That used to work in [insert heckle]- Division 3 Ultimate, High School Ultimate, Girl's Ultimate, Division 3 High School Ultimate, Division 3 Girl's Ultimate, or Division 3 High School Girl's Ultimate.
  • You're game is built for [insert heckle] - Chess, sucking, Goaltimate, subbing out, or Division 3 High School Girl's Goaltimate.
  • You're supposed to [insert heckle]- Catch it, throw to a teammate, go home, throw it inbounds, or play well.
  • Lastly, the new Eleventh Edition of the rules of Ultimate offers many exciting heckling possibilities. If you can reach Master Heckler status, Brad, you gain the power to lead massive heckles that are shouted by many people in unison. Imagine the power of leading twenty people in screaming, "The Eleventh Edition says: YOU SUCK!"

One of the side benefits of being a World Class Heckler will be a vast upgrade in friends. Of course, you'll have to pretend you don't know Nate when he's around your awesome new pals. I'd start hurting his feelings now, so it's easier to cut him out later. There's a whole kit to get rid of embarrassments like him. I'll even help you photoshop him right out of your life!

Love ya Nine Ball!

Boz


Now that everyone is going for heckle mastery, here's some advice from 2008 on how to deal with heckling.

Last time: How do you know when you're imaginary? Part II and III.

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