Dear Ask Boz,
As a prominent public figure, you are probably quite accustomed to being harassed. How do you deal with a heckler?
Nate

Dear Nate,

As hecklers are relatively rare in life, one does not need a single, systematic way to deal with them. Because they are so few and far between, have a little fun and develop a variety of ways to handle their obnoxious mockery:

Fake compliments: Muster all the sincerity you can and say "Can I sit at your feet and learn heckling, Oh Great Master?" or "Do you go to heckling school, or is are you just naturally brilliant?" Unless you want to use that classic: turn to someone else and say "Did you hear something?"

Arrogance: Perhaps someone want to attack your appearance. They say "Nice sweater!" sarcastically. Pretend you didn't notice the tone of voice. Pick up a little bit of fabric between your fingers and say "Yes, it is nice. But you couldn't afford it." Proceed to sneer at him or her for some time. Turn from the person, saying loudly, "Give my regards to the peasantry."

Agreement by self-heckling: Our fellow Ultimate players can use these on the field to deflate even the nastiest heckler. In return to a particular heckle, say, "Yes, I can teach you that throw away." Or "No, I believe this is the softest defense I can play." You can try, "Oh, I was supposed to catch that?" Of course "You're right, I am no puller" takes all the steam out of a wannabee heckler, as does, "As a matter of fact, I can huck it to nobody three more times."
Note: If you are faced with a very strong heckler, try starting off with "I don't know what I'm doing!" or "I suck at this!" Your vulnerability will make hecklers feel sorry, and hecklers don't like to feel.

Take the heckle seriously: This works especially well with "Your mama" jokes. For instance, someone says "Your Mama's so fat, that when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house." You shake your head regretfully and say, "Yes, my poor mother. Just another example of the obesity epidemic and its terrible effects on the health and well-being of all Americans." When they say "Your mom's so dry, even her crabs have canteens," you can say, "You're right. And we've done everything to help the poor little guys. We're looking into some kind of irrigation system to make the area moister, but it's an extremely complex project. I tell you, when I think of the suffering of entire colonies of those wee lil' creatures, all thirsty and sad, it breaks my heart. And I don't even want to tell you how Mama feels." These responses really take the steam out of the heckler, and it makes them face the general, debasing cruelty of all mother jokes. For Shame!

Deal with it really poorly. Maybe someone yells something simple like "You suck!" Start crying. Fall to the ground. Reach back to Shakespeare and gnash your teeth, rend your hair. Wail out "I do suck! At EVERYTHING." Heave a great huffing sob. Even actually dry heave if you think they need convincing. Continue with, "They're threatening to fire me, my wife says I have to pay rent or get out, my cat won't play with the ball, even when I put honey on it, and my college called and said they had reopened my file and revoked my degree for confidential reasons." Break down into incoherent, squeaky word-sobs, and just absolutely fall apart for an uncomfortably long time. Not only will this stop the heckling right there and then, but no one present will ever dare to heckle you again. Ever.

Best wishes,
Ask Boz

Last time: What's my last name?

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