Asktation

Dear Ask Boz,

What the hell is wrong with kids today?

Tim Helmecki, CT

Responsorial

Well, Tim, there is a lot of blame to go around. Dance Dance Revolution, dauntingly complex coffee choices, that annoying French guy in The Matrix, the lack of positive child genius role-models like Punky Brewster, "Doctor Z" from the second Battlestar Gallactica, Wesley Crusher from Star Trek the Next Generation, and Doogie Howser, and the redefinition of corporal punishment as "abuse," have all conspired to make this generation basicly suck.

Although all is essentially lost, it is fun to give people false hope so that, when the bottom falls out again, they are in an even worse place than they originally were. The look on the face is priceless. Like when Lisa broke Ralph's heart in the Valentine's episode of the Simpsons? Just like that, multiplied by the entire human race. We laugh and laugh here at Ask Boz Central, where no hope can be found.

So if you need to pretend that things are going to get better, there is only one sliver of hope: The "new" Star Wars series. On the most basic level, it teaches kids to understand that, although war looks really, really cool, and the good guys train and train to be really good at it, war is actually bad! And so is slaughtering children and sand people. It's kinda a Garden of Eden thing: war looks so red and delicious, and all the cool snakes like it, but don't sink your teeth in, or your going to get a mouth full of maimed innocents and fragmentation grenades! Get it?

Now, if some kids learn that difficult lesson, they may take the next step. The fact that the second Star Wars series was actually the first Star Wars series is a Zen Koan. Confronted with this seeming contradiction, most youngsters either find their minds broken by this impossible puzzle, or they ignore the problem. The former go off and wage really cool-looking, but essentially mean-spirited, war, while the latter blithely whistle their way into the theater and laugh at the goofball antics of Jar-Jar Binks.

However, there is a third possibility. Some young adepts may immediately grasp the idea that order, such as in a series, is an illusion, and that it doesn't matter that episode one was made after episode four. Then, they will watch all the movies backwards, and will have many mind expanding experiences, such as witnessing the Death Star sucking Alderan back into existence. They will see Han Solo heal a sliced open Tauntaun with a lightsaber. A great deal of adolescent sexual confusion will truly be resolved for many a young lad or lass when they watch Luke and Leia unkiss, thus eliminating the uncomfortable sub-current of incest in the series.

These revelations, and many more, will create a well-balanced, creative, non-sibling kissing person who understands that war, despite its hot look and lure of fun and adventure, is essentially a numbing and dreadful dance of meaningless violence, that looks really cool. These young men and women will become great world leaders, influencing people to make peace, stop kissing their sisters, and work harder on making a hyper-drive. Then, someone will assassinate them all, and we'll be plunged back into chaos. Sucks to be us!