THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

I'm guessing you have some sort of low-carb hippy fetish, seeing as how you apparently can't write a single column without at least one reference to our long-haired friends. What's the story?
Kenan

RESPONSORIAL

My Dear, Misguided Kenan

This won't be easy. Ask Boz knows that you think of yourself as a hip, "with-it," type, one who identifies hippies with free-flowing ideas, artistic freedom, and general disregard for bathing and oral hygiene. All positive things, right Kenan? No! Bad Kenan! Off the couch! Bad! No cookie!

Kenan, hippies are the cause of all problems. Think of the fifties. A time where traditional values meant prosperity and freedom from worry. Oh yes, we heard the whining about the "underclass." If they didn't have the sense to be born white and male, then that's really their fault, isn't it? Ask Boz put out several brochures at the time encouraging everyone to have white, male, protestant babies, and all would be fine. Did people listen? Nooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooo!

Then came along the "wonderful" sixties, so called days of liberation and positive revolution, right? Well, that meant tried and true ideas, that had lasted since knuckle dragging times, went out the window. The tragic end came for acceptable gender bias, the closeting of homosexuality, outward displays of racism, and so many other traditional values that made people more comfortable. You were either right or wrong, man or woman, straight or gay, white or Hispanic/Afro-American/Arab/Jewish/Catholic/Polynesian/Algonquin/Sioux/Pigmy/Slavic/Asian … did anyone shed a tear for the passing of white supremacy, an idea that had lasted for hundreds of years? No, instead long-haired smelly freaks came along with ideas of "equality," "liberty," – not the ideas that Ask Boz's America was built on.

But the smelly bastards didn't stop there. Dancing used to be an elegant, refined display of steps and coordination that proved your class. Since the hippy came along, dancing began to closely resemble the effects of getting tasered, without the enjoyable burning smell. Remember spinning around in your yard until you were dizzy and fell down? Well, that's the hippy waltz!

They cause problems to this day. Remember August 14th, 2003? You should: it was the day a giant black-out hit the east coast. Do you know why? It was Hippy Shower Day! Now normally this would be a day of celebration for all normal, Limbaugh loving Americans, a day free to smell the pollution wafting in from the Midwest. But showered hippys means wet hippy hair. That's right, all the hair dryers came out at once and POP! goes the power grid.

They even try to take away GOD! A Goddess – what is that? Just think about how much women slack in the procreation department, and then tease that out to universe creating proportions. We men, even non-white ones, create billions and billions of sperm, enough to make a wonderful, albeit sticky, cosmos. Compared to a woman's paltry 500,000 eggs, if there was a goddess the universe would have, like, 4 thousand stars and 10 thousand planets – that's not enough! The universe needs to be big! Really big! Manly big! Hippo-Sized!

Duh!

Ask Boz

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