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The Centuries of Ask Boz

It has only been recently discovered that incarnations of Ask Boz have existed as long as there have been humans, and perhaps even longer. While explanations of the eternal nature of Ask Boz are best left to the Ask Boz Theology section, we here at the Ask Boz Historical Society Frittata Hut will do our best to flesh out the timeline of Ask Boz. Every day our scientists, assistants, and custodial staff discover new information about the centuries of Ask Boz. We will keep you, the asktater, apprised of these revelations as they become clear to us.

So! When you visit Ask Boz Central, stop by and say hi! Mention one of our “Fun Facts” and you will get ten-percent off of the “Don’t Eat the Brown Frittata” frittata dinner. You can get fifteen percent off if you ask to “Ask Boz-o-Size” it! (Please note: Ask Boz-o-Size makes items smaller and cost more! Have a swell day!)

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Biblical Ask Boz

As most suspect, Ask Boz was crucial to the early Christian Church. Although not mentioned in the primary Judeo-Christian texts, recent discoveries from the Holy Land prove the great influence Ask Boz had over Christianity. Specifically, documents in the Nag Gamgee library and The Lake Ontario Scrolls suggest that Ask Boz played a “Behind the Bible” role in the very early days of the church.

Researchers and comedians agree that the most important asktation from these early years was the Apostle Paul’s letter to Ask Boz. Unbelievably, improbably, and hard-to-be-thought-trueably, this letter has survived completely intact. It is also whole, except for a few gaps that we are pretending are not there.

Dear Ask Boz,

The Thessalonians are having a rift over whether it is better to be taught by me or by the Apostle James. How can I heal this growing problem while cementing my iron grip on the thinking of the early church?

Thanks a lot,

Paul (you may remember me as Saul. We met once at a toga party. I really don’t do that Roman stuff anymore. Those were some crazy days, though. And I miss the food.)

Dear Paul/Saul

Wow. Those guys, hunh? We call them the "Thessaloserans"! We gave up on them long ago. Buncha whiners. Anyhoo, here's some ideas that may work. Good luck!

  1. Quote Psalms. Everyone loves Psalms, even though most of them only know the “valley of the shadow of death” one. This is because nobody understands the rest of them. So you ask, why would I want to talk about something no one understands? Mystery! James is very straightforward, so you need to come with the eerie insight into mysterious texts. Try these lines from Psalm 68: “The Lord has said: "Even from Bashan I will fetch them, fetch them even from the depths of the sea. You will wash your feet in your enemy's blood; the tongues of your dogs will lap it up." See? Scary and mysterious stuff. Tell them that Bashan represents James, and that anyone who follows him is God’s enemy. Have a couple of mangy, smelly dogs around for effect.
  2. Use the old “It’s not what I think, it’s what Jesus thinks. He told me to tell you.” They really have to listen to this, and James won’t go there, I promise. He really likes Jessica, and she always tells everyone she doesn’t like people throwing around “Jesus told me to” to excuse everything.
  3. If these both fail, go back to the old “God struck me blind so I would follow his son” story. Don’t be afraid to embellish it a little… say you had toe fungus, or something, and that got cured, too. You really can’t play that card enough.

    Hope that helps, Paul. Sorry we won’t see you at the orgies! Maybe, eventually, you guys will lighten up! Hahahah lol jk!

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