Why is it that I get that dreaded headache whenever I eat ice cream too fast? yours truly, throbby head

The problem with ice-cream is that it is very cold. Sometimes, we put very cold objects in our mouth, and our teeth freeze up. Why is that? Ask Boz has found that our teeth have a liquid inner core, similar to the new diet Twinkies that feature a "creamy water" filling. So, when our teeth come in contact with a frozen substance for a prolonged period, they may freeze up themselves.

Two solutions:

1. Heat your teeth up before eating cold foods. A very small propane grill would do the trick, or a teeny-tiny kerosene heater. (We no longer support the "very small fire" solution, as the cost of modifying the nasal passages to make a useful chimney were prohibitive, and the tendency for mean people to call those so modified "hearth nose" was confusing and hurtful.) There's no need to heat teeth to boiling; this will vaporize the ice-cream on contact, and cause scalding burns to the gum and tongue. We find 150 to 185 F is a nice range to counter frozen teeth, while maintaining a faithful ice-cream feel in the mouth. The burns that occur are only tolerable bad, and can be quite pleasant if you're a masochist.
2. Eastern mystics point to this issue as a prime example of the West's unbalanced way of living. Most Asian gurus, sages, swamis, sushi-chefs, heretics and monks are known to eat ice-cream with abandon, never having to deal with the mildly uncomfortable tragedy of frozy-teeth. They all practice a form of the Hindu concept "Lactra." While safer than the Western heating technique, learning to modify your lactra takes discipline and firm, small sticks. You will have to meditate for hours a day, and then spend fifteen minutes sharply rubbing your teeth with the sticks. Though it takes longer then our soulless, Imperialistic, very-small-heat-source method, many Ask Bozzes swear by it. They report that they've never understood the soul balance that can be reached by combining spiritually warmed teeth with a nice sundae, with maybe vanilla and chocolate scoops, butterscotch and chocolate sauce, multi-colored shots, and some whipped-cream and a cherry. Sounds like Nirvana is just a banana split away!

Those are our two main methods, but due to our partnership with the "Coalition for a Reasonable Ice-Cream Habits" (CRICH) we must emphasize that abstinence is the only definite method for avoiding "Icy Teeth." Except very expensive golden tooth-mittens.

Ask Boz

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