Dear Ask Boz,

Like many Imaginary Americans born over the last 50 years, I was told I was imaginary from the beginning. My parents saw the devastation that happened to people who entered their teens and twenties only to be blindsided by the revelation that they did not actually exist. Who can forget Tweety-bird's terrible alcoholic depression, Barney Rubble's drug addled anti-Amish rants, or GI Joe's totally hot cross-dressing phase?

But not all imaginary people go crazy when they find out. I have conducted three interviews with some famous pretend people, and here's what was revealed:

For Part 1 of this special two-part Ask Boz, I sat down with Big Bird:

Boz: Before you knew you were imaginary, what was your first memory?

Bird: Oh, gosh. You know, from the moment I was made, I was the center of attention. Bright lights lit me up, cameras focused on me, and everyone said my name. I loved the neighborhood. Everyone was so happy, singing songs, getting along. If there was a problem, it was easily resolved. I just remember feeling really good.

Boz: Did you think you were real for a long time?

Bird: Years. I was caught up in my fame. And, let's face it, it was the Sixties and early Seventies. You know, one day the Cookie Monster brought some special cookies; the next, Snuffleleupagus showed up with some crazy hash. Half the time when I went to bed I was so messed up that I didn't even notice what happened to me.

Boz: What do you mean? What happened to you each night?

Bird: Well, I turned back into a costume. I didn't know it, though. My eyes would see that my legs were hanging over the back of a chair, and that my head and upper body were in different places. But, you know, I just figured Snuffy sprinkled something a little special into the pipe ... he's known to do that. He's so (expletive deleted) crazy!

Boz: When did you finally figure it out?

Bird: One night, it was just me and Oscar hanging out. He made up a batch of garbage can Rum Punch and we were drinking. But mostly just talking. I can picture it now. His head was sort of down, and he said, "It's not easy, sometimes, when you think about who you are, what you are. Puppets." He spat on the ground. Of course nothing came out of his mouth. "Glorified plush toys!"

At first he laughed at me when I said I didn't know what he meant. But when he realized I was serious he patiently explained it all to me. It was really... loving, you know, the way he did it. A side that most people don't get to see.

Boz: How did you feel?

Bird: I was angry for a while. But then Carroll (Carroll Spinney, the man inside the costume) would come back, and put me on, and there it was again. The lights, the street, the kids. A funny thing happened. I started listening to what I said during the show, about being good, and getting along, and accepting things as they are, even if you would like them to be different. And, you know, I found some forgiveness. Mostly, I needed to forgive myself for being imaginary.

Boz: Caroll is kind of a girly name for a guy, right?

Bird: (Laughs) Yeah it is!

Boz: He's inside you right now, isn't he?

Bird: Yes.

Boz: What is that like?

Bird: You remember when you found out that your skin is covered with little microscopic bugs? It's ten-times worse.

Boz: Can I speak to him?

Bird: No. No! (Stands up and looms over me.) That's it. This interview is over!

I guess he was pretty angry. I feel bad about how it ended. Not the question, really, but that I laughed as he stormed out. It's hard to take it seriously when the last thing you see is a big giant yellow feathery butt.

That's just one story. Here's Part II, featuring Super Mario and a mystery guest!

Boz

Last time: Why is there only on female smurf?

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