Dear Ask Boz,

At first, I thought you were referring to hemaphrodites. You know, a person with his and hers junk. But no one could be that poor a speller. Or that dumb. Even drunk Rico wouldn't make that mistake!

So I did a little research, and I realized you were talking about the beings that live on the planet Hermalphad. I found out that they are vaguely humanoid, and that they travel between dimensions, but I couldn't find any information about their balls. And trust me, don't Google "hermalphadite balls." Just don't. Shiver!

So I realized I was going to have to do some research in person. And that meant getting a rocket ship. Which is usually difficult and expensive, but with the present world economy it's sooooo easy and cheap. I went over to Russia, and three loaves of bread and a pair of jeans later I had me a ride to Hermalphad.

With several centuries of sub-light travel ahead of me, I made sure I had a lot things to work on. Besides researching the traditions and culture of the Hermalphadite people, I also worked on my disguise. I brought 10 yards of yarn, some duct tape, a dozen rutabagas, shrink wrap and some porn. The shrink wrap and porn were for the disguise. Really.

I landed at the Ronald Reagan Omni-dimensional Spaceport and got right to work finding out everything I could about Hermalphadite balls. Not knowing what specific balls you were referring to, I looked into as many different types as I could think of. Here are the details:

Gala balls: As you might expect, multi-dimensional gala balls are amazing! Female Hermalphadites literally spend centuries coordinating outfits that will match across time and space. As usual, the men get away with tuxedos; they just have to adjust the ruffles depending on the century, and have an orange one for the 70's. But if you ever go to a Hermalphadite gala, watch out for the punch! The first couple I went to woke up with a terrible headache next to some multi-tentacled being of no certain gender.

Sports balls: They only have one sports ball on Hermalphad, but it's all they need. You see, it exists everywhere simultaneously, and takes whatever shape the game requires. I stole it. Come over and play some pan-dimensional tennis some time, if you're not too busy.

Matzah balls: Just like anywhere else, Jewish deli's on Hermalphad have dumplings. And those sandwiches with way too much meat on them. I mean, who can eat all of that?

Testicals: Thinking ahead, I brought a bunch of mardi-gras beads with me. At my third gala, after I had some punch, I went around asking guys to show me their balls. Apperently, shiny beads don't have the same hold over Hermalphads as they do to people on our planet. After ignoring a bunch of warnings from security to stop, they tossed me out.

I guess I took to the streets pretty loaded and I was being fairly obnoxious. I woke up in jail, in the arms of a male Hermalphadite. Who was kind enough to show me his balls. He had 42 of them, btw.

Well, they tossed me off the planet after that, so if those weren't the type of balls you meant, sorry. But, hey, seriously, come play with my omni-ball sometime! And I smuggled out some of that punch. Could be a fuuuunnn night!

Boz

Last time: Can you eschew a nickname?

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