THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Is Jonas Albino?

Fi Cheng

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Fi,

The origin of Jonas Niaura is cloaked in a shawl of mysterious cloak like fabric. Placing him in an appropriate pigmentation category is extremely difficult, though not as difficult as sexual origami. But that’s not all!! Many, many more questions, though slightly fewer than before, abound about Jonas. Is his elven name really "Zinfandel"? Did he really do that to Galadriel? Was he really kicked out of the Vienna Boy’s Choir for “being too butch”? Is he really an escapee from the Ask Boz lab experiment “Tall players with nice throws who are still inexplicably not that good”? Do lists of questions followed by short bulleted sections really make things funny? Let's find out!

- To begin to trace the question of his albinosity, we must first learn something about his origins. Most importantly, has he always been so pale, or has he undergone a series of pigment changes? Is he simply from fine Nordic stock, a people known for their pallid complexion and hot, bee-stung lips? Is he so colorless because he is constantly thinking of Ask Boz schooling him yet again? Is it fair that a bulleted section also be a list of questions, or does that break some kind of rule? Let’s find out!

1. Here we see Jonas’s Athena like birth from the breasts of his mother, also named Jonas*. Clearly, your suspicions that he was born an angry little magical albino monkey-boy are proven here.
2. Next came Jonas’s well-documented child-star phase. After stints as a sheet of paper in Welcome Back Kotter, and as a white flag in the epic Another French Surrender, Jonas received his big break. Let’s face it, we all laughed and cried along with Jonas as Casper.
3. Alas, those idyllic times didn’t last for poor young Jonas. Like all child stars, he hit a rough patch. Years of sack races and potato meditation resulted in the “Casper Dementia” movies, filmed by John Waters. While this picture shows a two-fisted Ghost Jonas with a bitchin’ chain saw, it also shows a darker Jonas. Are we, for the first time, facing evidence that Jonas is not albino? Our scientists say, “perhaps not.” According to our computer models, having a giant nail stuck in your back may cause temporary pigment change. Yet, until lawyers from both sides work out the legality of pigment experiments, which include slamming a giant spike into pale-hippy stringbean loser Kevin McHenry’s unwashed back, this will have to remain an untested theory.
4. This era culminated with his famous book Thus Spake Jonasthrusta, and his rather obvious announcement that “Casper is Dead.” But you can’t judge a person’s color from a book, can you, Fi? Can you? Bad Fi! Go home!
5. Thankfully, discovering Scientology II saved Jonas’s little white soul. His new connections led to a brief stint in a comic book universe as the character Narwhal. One can applaud this Madonna like revision of his look, yet still appreciate that it was somehow still the same old Jonas. Daily workouts changed him from a blobby spirit into a hermaphroditic death-fish with a well filled-out loincloth. He cleverly repositioned his homicidal-ghost era spike up to his head. Then he reached back to his Athena analogy and “got his spear on.” As far as pigment, there is certainly some white, with contrasting brown spots peppering his ambiguously hot aquatic form.
6. Finally, we come to the Jonas of today, pictured here eating the brains of an Albino Monkey. Only by eating these brains can he keep away the encroaching brown splotches, agonizing giant spike piercings, and tendency to morph into fairyland creatures.

Well, Fi, it seems we have answered your question and so much more. We have proven that Jonas both is and is not albino. We have revealed that he is a divinely born monkey-ghost-fishicorn with a big hoo-ha. But, most of all, we have learned something about ourselves, and about our own maniac attack-ghost sexy merhuman natures. We could be your roommate,

Ask Boz

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