THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

What is the best solution for our problem?

RESPONSORIAL

You may not realize this, but your question lacks specifics. For instance, you might want to state the nature of your problem. This will help Ask Boz to serve you better, by being able to target our response to the specific difficulty that you find yourself in. Sorry for the criticism, and we hope you are not hurt by it. Further, do not fear: your solution is imminent.

It may just be, dear friend, that you yourself don't know your own problem. How then can you possibly ask the right question? Thus, for several decades now, we have been developing a proprietary "Focused Question Detection Technology" to get our clients out of just such a sticky wicket. (As an aside, Ask Boz is also developing a No-stick Wicket, so stay tuned, batsmen and ballmen.)

Our first attempt at this technology was unsuccessful. Our initial idea was quite sound: Who better than a deaf, blind mute to detect better questions? It was the second part that got us into a little bit of trouble. Why not clone Helen Keller and make her into a heavily armed robot? The idea of a Robo-Keller was so irresistibly cool that we simply had to do it!

This will, of course, change your sadness about the recent announcement that Polar Bears might become endangered. It seems that Global Warming is effecting the amount of ice flows that these guys need for hunting. But now that you know they aren't real, who the hell cares, right? Plus, remember how we said Ask Boz HQ was in Siberia? Yeah, we know, bad choice, right? But seriously, you need a lot of room to house a collective, and the land prices here are soooo cheap. So, listen, we really, really need you to support Global Warming. In fact, we're pushing for "Global Hotting." So, if you wouldn't mind, could you go outside right now and idle your car for an hour or two? You see, we built some condos that our scientists are pretty sure will be on a very nice beach in about ten years. Maybe you can get in on them with us? Plus, it's really frinkin' cold out here, and we don't have nice warm Polar Bear suits to wear. And remember, Global Warming won't hurt the Polar Bears or their Penguin masters.

Surprisingly, acquiring Helen Keller DNA was as easy as fooling a dog with that pretend to throw the ball trick. Before we knew it, we had a heavily armed and armored Helen Keller cyborg ready to go out and find people's problems with Two-Fisted Fury. Sadly, most people, when they're looking to have their problems detected, aren't looking for blind homicidal robots that are difficult to communicate with.

So, obviously, she caused quite a mess at her first, and last, job. Turns out that she could get an image of people by smell, a lot like that Predator thing could detect you, and, also a lot like that predator thing, she would open fire and slaughter everyone around. Which, did, theoretically, solve all their problems,if you accept death as a solution. However, our lawyers insisted that if, next time, she left anyone around to sue us, we'd have a difficult case to make. Sissies!

So, it was back to the cloning beaker. Having spent so much money on Ms. Keller's DNA, we decided to give cloning her another try. We promised ourselves Helen Keller 2.1 wouldn't have any weaponry, although we agreed she could sharpen her nails if she wanted to. That's up to her, right? And this time, we decided that a companion would be nice for her to have, in case she went into some kind of scratching homicidal rage, then maybe he could calm her down. So who better than Tommy, that "deaf, dumb and blind boy." What's that? Sure he's a fictional character created by the Who! So we found a real person named Tommy, absorbed him into our collective, blinded him, deafened him, and dumbed him. Don't always see the obstacles, man, try to also see the path.

Unexpectedly, he immediately started playing a mean pinball, and attracting a following. Clearly, we had to wean Tommy off of the whole pinball thing; otherwise he would play all day and usurp our power by attracting all our minions with his pinball wizardry! Step by step, we changed his behavior. First we made him play with only one flipper, then one of those cheap plastic pinball games, then just a ball in a box. Finally, we switched it up, and started him playing quarters. Damn, he was good, too. He would get so hammered! He used to call it getting "seeing drunk." Oh, that Tommy! Whoo!

Then it was off to "Focused Question Detection Training" for the two of them! Incredibly, it took them only a few short weeks to hone their senses of touch and smell to find out the best question in any given situation. They were just naturals. And we were all quite touched that things worked out like we'd hoped, and the two of them hit it off. Soon they were going out to their first jobs together, and success after success just brought them closer together! After they were married, they shacked up in a nice little bungalow on the Ask Boz campus, along with their deaf, blind, and mute dog, Bumpy.

So the team coming to find your question is not only doing it out of duty, they are doing it out of love. Don't get us wrong, they have their arguments. No, they don't argue they way we do; generally, their fights are completely silent, except for the crashes. You see, they argue by moving furniture around on each other. Like the time Helen 2.1 moved the fish tank, and Tommy 2.O smashed it and had lacerations all over his upper body, and the fish died. Crazy kids! But he sure got her back, you bet. It was crazy enough that he switched the toilet and the tub, but who knew she would actually get in the toilet and take a bath? She actually complained to the maintenance crew about how cramped the tub was getting, and that the "water smelled blue," before she figured it out.

Expect Helen and Tommy in on Tuesday, between the hours of 12 and 5. We'll be forwarding the list of modifications you need to make for them; you'll want to get started on those immediately, otherwise we'll sue your ass for violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Have a good one!

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