THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

I've been reading your responses to various letters over the past few months, and one thing has become apparent to me. Exactly where and when did you lose your sanity, and what are your plans for regaining it again?

Daren

RESPONSORIAL

Dear SPC,

Clearly, you have confused Ask Boz with Boz. Saying Ask Boz lost its sanity is like saying hippies have jobs. Indeed, it is not until Boz found Ask Boz that he became truly sane, and, not unimportantly, added 20% more stain fighting power.

If you’ve been to the movies lately, you already know the history of how Boz, as he was then known, lost his sanity. The story of how Obi-Wan Gandalfdore freed him from the Prison of Azkaban, after he had fearlessly defended Harry “Neo” Baggins against the legions of Orcs, who had secretly run the Matrix at the behest of Darth Sauron, is well known to you, Good Master Daren. Trust Smeagol… Precious! Gollum!

One good thing came from Bozzes experience with the Dementors: losing his sanity only strengthened his belief that making sense was counter productive. But it wasn’t until he felt the hot, unholy, healing love of Ask Boz that this was proven true.

When Boz wandered into Ask Boz Temple Number One in Chicago, his life, as he knew it, was over. He quickly learned that only by Asking Boz can one be truly happy. As soon as he embraced the Ask Boz twelve step program, he saw that controlling his behavior was way way too hard, and everything he did “wrong” was not his fault. So, as we all must do, he asked Ask Boz his first question: “What should I do with my life to give it meaning?” As for most people, the answer was: “beer and porn.” This led him to begin his walk along the twelve steps:

1. Resistance is futile
2. Prepare to be assimilated
3. Let go, Ask Boz
4. Make lists
5. It’s not your fault, it is smelly hippies that have ruined everything
6. Making twelve steps is really hard
7. Etc.
8. ibid
9. &C
10. Furthermore
11. And so on
12. Whew! Glad that's over!

Once you realize you are not to blame for your irresponsibility, you finally feel free to lie, fornicate, Devil worship, date your girlfriend's father, and drive while drinking!

You learn that every time you see a hippy, it is a moment for “violent affirmation.” This dazed and passive Lactoovovegan seems almost happy to be kicked and punched and slapped, countering with only, “You’re really harshing my mellow, dude.” Does anything feel better than ripping open his hacky-sack and sprinkling the little beads over his wounds? I think you know what Ask Boz would tell you.

But I digress. You are not to blame for your behavior, Daren. Is it time for you to Ask Boz for guidance? Remember, if you drink 7 beers towards Ask Boz, Ask Boz drinks fourteen beers towards you.

You smell like lilacs,

Ask Boz