THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why life so hard?

RESPONSORIAL

Although we are the #1 source in the world for answering all asktations, that does not mean we never have questions ourselves. You see, as Super Apes, we here at Ask Boz have some confusion about the metaphorical nature of human language. You see, "life" cannot literally be "hard." If it were actually hard, why, how would the Super Ape God get it into our bodies? Our God is a little on the lazy side. He's not about to have to cram some calcified chunk of life into our soft, hairy, powerful bodies. So how would your Human God deal with you scrawny weaklings? Even if he managed to shove some solid chunk of vitality into you, you'd be all like "Life it too hard and heavy .... can't we have, like, a light, soft life instead? And what's with fingernail fungus? Ewww!"

By the way, we get to see our God all the time. He's hanging out in the Ask Boz Game Room and Anime Re-enactment Lounge right now. The Human God stops by frequently, too. He is totally cool. His name is "Alan," if you want to know. Sorry, none of your religions got that right. The Muslims should get credit for being closest, though.

Even if we assume you weren't being literal, we still have a problem with your question. We find it very "hardist," a typical discriminatory use of this innocent word. Why is "hard" so bad when it comes to life, but so great when it comes to porn, armor, or erections? Why can't life be called soft when it's bad? Soft things can be terrible, too. Soft defense can lose a game. Softies are constantly getting taken advantage of. And softness in the bedroom can lead to a very scary intervention by slightly handicapped former Presidential candidate to help the little guy get "vertebrate" again. Next time things are rough, and you're shaking your fist at your distant God, gnashing your teeth on the grit of existence, and rending your hair to the pulse beat of your dreadful and pointless life, maybe you should shout to the heedless, brooding clouds: "Why is life so soft?"

Now, even if we except your adjectivism, your grammar choice leads to some further complications to answering your query. Could the "is" be missing because you, perhaps, are from the mean streets, where the verb "to be" is often dropped or changed in speech? If so, your life may indeed be difficult, and you may be looking for a way out for you and your family. Sports involves Excessive Sweating, which is the secret 11th Deadly Sin, so to Hell with that. And you can forget the rap game. It will lose all its street cred when Ice Cube and Dr. Dre begin their lounge act in Las Vegas. Try to imagine "F$%K the Police," if it were being crooned by Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra, backed by a soupy string band, and you will be hearing the whimpering end of Hip-Hop. The way out, my young friend, is Street Country Music. Due to NASCAR's desire to reach every market, the tough guys in the tough neighborhoods will soon be sporting Cowboys hats, chaps, and uncomfortable looking boots. Sure, the lyrics will be twanged out, and the meaning will change a bit. Instead of a bottle of whiskey, it's the old "four-oh," instead of the jacked-up pick-up truck, it'll be the low-slung, pimped-out Chevy, and instead of lyrics demeaning women as pretty, but annoying, window dressing, there will be lyrics demeaning women as pretty, but greedy, window dressing.

Or maybe you dropped the verb because you live in a foreign country, which is as hard as it gets. Even the best foreign country is a pathetic, loser version of America. You have the annoyance of pretending to have your own language when superior Americans are around. You have to believe your smelly, dirty little country is as big, or cool, or productive, or dominant, or as neato, as the good old USA. So, yes, life is hard for you. Our suggestion is to "Get your America on." Work lots of hours as you drive a fast car and max-out seven credit cards. Get yourself an arranged divorce, complete with crippling support payments, as well as the obligatory alienated, uneducated, and out of control children. Consume so much that you alone start to turn the wimpy Global Warming into the Super Ape preferred Global Hotting. It will be as close as you can get to living here. You might want to purchase an Ask Boz "Scent of Pollution" Pollution Center to add an olfactory element to your Faux-merica. Don't forget to vote Bush oftenly!

Finally, there's always a chance that you actually find the game "Life" hard. It's not really too difficult, even for humans, though it can be annoying when the spinning wheel up and comes off of its pin. Or perhaps you take it too seriously when you land on penalty spaces? Or you have nightmares of looking in the back seat of your convertible and seeing little pink stick children with no arms or legs, their "bodies" stuck into little holes. These are perfectly natural fears, and ones that will haunt you for the rest of your soft life. Trying to flee the nightmare you're stuck in will only add to your suffering.

Best of Luck!

Ask Boz

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