Dear Ask Boz,

Okay, so I really need an unbiased opinion. There are two guys in my science class that I really like. One's name is Luke and the other's name is Teodor. Which one should I go for? Please help me, Ask Boz!!!
Felecia Wilburn, Compuzzled

Dear Felecia,

Let's start with Teodor. Clearly this is some sort of Frenchy foreign Euro-name. Which is not necessarily bad, if you like stinky cheese and guys that don't shower. And sneering. You have to like that, too. So if you're in to those sorts of things, go for it.

Here's three things you can do to make one of them arrogant Omni-sexual baguette toting Balzac wannabees notice you:

1. Talk about "American Imperialism" a lot.
2. Redistribute wealth.
3. Don't shave your legs or armpits. Or upper lip, if your lucky enough to have hair there. That drives those brie-lovers crazy.

So that's what Teodor has going for him. As for Luke, well, it's the name of a Gospel, which is kinda good. Then you realize it's also the name of one Mr. Skywalker, which is frikkin' awesome!

It's so great because your new boyfriend will have a great role model to become a modern young screw-up. Here's just a few things he can learn from this annoying Jedi:

Family Values: Luke was a disrespectful Nephew. So, where Luke Skywalker whined, "But I wanted to go into Tashi Station and pick up some power converters!" your luke can say "But I wanted to go to Best Buy and pick up Mario Kart Armageddon." Then he will wander off and hang out with a strange hermit that lives in the desert, resulting in his loving Aunt and Uncle being slaughtered by the authorities .

Fashion: Your young friend will be a fashion innovator when he adopts Skywalker's outfit made of a short womans bathrobe, which is clasped with Batman's utility belt, and hangs over tights and mummy boots.

Academic Excellence: This comment was on Luke Skywalker's first report card from his teacher Yoda: "I cannot teach him; the boy has no patience." To become a clumsy, reluctant student, too, your boy must quickly learn this important lesson: A "D" is still a passing grade.

Taboo Fulfillment: Perhaps your Luke will gain the courage to kiss his sister twice during an unfulfilled incestuous romance. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Hand Loss: Not only is a black-gloved mechanical hand sexy, it also makes a moving tribute to Michael Jackson.

Monster-father Love: Do you know any of his family background? If you're lucky, Luke's father is a homicidal, genocidal, delusional conqueror who has slaughtered millions of innocent people and betrayed everyone who cared for him. That way, he can find his father's good side right before he dies, thus absolving him of heinous, inexcusable evil just in time.

If those benefits don't convince you, think about all of the unexplored uses of the light saber in the bedroom. Maybe it's time for Luke to do battle with Darth Nudius.

Our advice: Give up your dreams of cultivating a taste for rotten cheese, and go with Luke. Especially if his sister's hot.

Boz

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