Dear Boz,
Is it time to come clean and admit that Askboz.com is a front for Eastern European mail-order brides?
Espo, Massachusetts


Dear Espo,

Yes, it is! But that's not all. Askboz.com has an announcement that will change the Eastern European mail-order bride industry forever. Yep, you guessed it: time travel.

You see, Chris, modern Eastern European woman only want to come to America so they can go to malls and buy Coach bags with credit cards. All filled up with romantic movie ideas of what life in America is like, they quickly come to resent their slightly overweight, socially awkward husband. They only tolerate him as long as they can wear Gucci glasses and go to stylists who make them up to look like some mash-up between Mafia princess, Angelina Jolie and the members of Cindrella.

Imagine, instead of that hassle, finding yourself a Bulgarian hotty from some peasant village in the 1500's. Yes, she'll need to deal with being kidnapped, traveling through time, adapting to a different culture and a different century, but these are minor adjustments that only cause 42% of our brides to become gibbering morons. And here at Askboz, we also specialize in mail-order gibbering moron brides, so if you don't like her, we can take her off your hands for a small fee and send her to a client that is into that kinda thing.

If your ancient honey manages to get through intact, you'll have the joy or seeing how completely enthralled she is by the simplest things. Trust me, you won't have to waste money taking her out. She'll spend the first few months just looking out windows, touching the glass and laughing in wonder.

With very little effort, you can convince your girl that you a powerful Wizard/Lord capable of amazing magic. For instance, put on a flowing robe, mumble some nonsense words, and turn on the hot water. You've never seen a look like the one a barely civilized woman gives to her all powerful Sorcerer-Man. Just keep her away from better looking men with cooler gadgets, and she will melt for you like butter in a skillet. Which she will also think is magic, meaning your ability to melt butter in a skillet.

So put in your order to Askboz. Please carefully research the time period you want your bride from. Go too far back and your lady will be wearing animal pelts; too recently, and you'll get some commie-radical in Yoko Ono's old clothes who'll redistribute your goods to the poor.

Cheers,
Boz

Last time: Cake?

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