THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

When toasting a marshmallow, do you take your time in toasting the "mellow", or just stick it in the fire and flame on?

Glen "Big Game" Weill

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Glen,

One would think that the method for toasting marshmallows would be entirely up to the individual. This is not the case. Strict statutes exist in many states regulating precisely how, where, and when you can toast your marshmallow. Here are the guidelines for Connecticut: “Upon making the decision to toast a marshmallow, you must contact the Commissioner of Toasting and fill out the “Intent to Toast” form 11-B. Upon the Commissioner’s approval, you must purchase a legally approved stick. At this time the Commissioner will dispatch a Mallow Protection Officer. The Officer will guide you through the process of piercing the marshmallow and affixing it to the stick. After this, you may put it near the fire. The Officer will make sure the “Crispy to Goo” Ratio does not exceed a 4.3. When the marshmallow is ready, you may eat it, assuming you filled out waiver form 17J “Limited Liability in Mouth Burning Incidents Involving Marshmallows and Pizza.”

Make sure you follow this procedure. If you try to toast on the sly, or use some kind of “home-grown” marshmallow, you can get in a lot of trouble. Never mind what happens if you burn one to a crisp. Here’s a picture of one that got a guy busted. He’s up for 25 to life. Don’t mess with these people; they’re serious.

We noticed that you made a common mistake in your question. “Mellow” is not the same thing as “mallow.” A “marsh-mellow” is an occassion when a hippy cannot stand its own stink any longer. It wades into a marsh and lets the pleasant smell of an entirely different stink waft over it. Thankfully, as it begins to “mellow,” it usually forgets it is in water, and drowns.

Unlike decaying hippies, the marshmallow is not found in a marsh. They are usually found in bogs. You might say, “But Ask Boz, I search for pennies in bogs all the time, and I never see any marshmallows.” That is because when they are growing in bogs, marshmallows are only visible to little fairy people. Thus the saying in the marshmallow industry: “He who controls the fairies controls the soft puffy balls.” The reason they aren’t called “bogmallows” is because that sounds too much like “frogbellows.”

Finally, as a word of friendly advice: unmarried men might want to avoid phrases like “just stick it in the fire” and “flame on.”

Ask Boz

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