How not to Ask Boz:

Question 1: Here's my dilemma: I have moved from sunny California, where you can play Ultimate pretty much 7 days a week (not that I did) to Leatherstocking Country. You went to New Paltz, so you should have an idea of where I'm talking about and I will call upon the English teacher in you, I now live not far from Natty Bumpo's cave. No, I do not live in a cave. We are temporarily in a nice house in the village.

Umm, what? Did you learn to write by translating everything into Spanish, getting drunk, then translating it back into English? Do you honestly think that mentioning an obscure character from James Fennimore Cooper’s largely unreadable novels “sets up” the “Great Boz” for some comic hi-jinx? Oh, we all know that clever multi-layered comparisons of Cooper’s Hawkeye to the M*A*S*H character and the Marvel Comics arrow slinger just throws everyone into paroxysms of highly-educated literary glee, right? Wrong, you old dumb whore! The average dim-witted Ask Boz reader is looking for the next hippie joke while trying to find the right beer/coffee mix to make the “perfect morning." And what is that crap about a cave? Does humor not have to be funny in California? If so, move back there, say “Natty Bumpo” and, after the laughter dies down, enjoy your stupid.

Not to be outdone, an even older and more seniler player, who we will keep anonymous by calling him “Meve Stanion,” sent in this incredibly poorly written and nearly incomprehensible “question”:

Question 2: Oh, great Boz, I have a question that will be coming up more and more as some of our (of course not me) fellow ultimate players have or will be out living there usefulness to there teams and life in general. Should we do what the Eskimos do and send them out on a iceberg to float away, or maybe set them up with rocking chair and plenty of beer so that they may be able to watch the younger, quicker more highly skilled people play the game as it should be played? Old but not on an iceberg yet.

Apparently, “Meve,” you went to the same schools as our previous questioner, where obviously you spent more time making your pens into bongs as “Band on the Run” was blaring out of your 8-trak than actually practicing any kind of coherent writing skills. Or maybe you're stupid. Is the Eskimo thing the one “fact” you remember from all your years of schooling? We here at Ask Boz did some research and found out you learned your Eskimo "knowledge" from the side of your mother's “Captain and Tennille Crunch” cereal box. It was one of four choices to a multiple choice quiz about "Elder Care." Unfortunately, yours was one of the wrong answers. The correct one was “Care for them and learn from their wisdom.” It is obvious why you didn't choose the correct answer because everyone in your family is stupid, you dumb old useless slut.

So to help anyone who is considering Asking Boz soon, read those two responses carefully, remind yourself that you are a bright, intelligent person with better than fourth grade writing skills, and fearlessly pen your missive. Then sit back, take another sip of your Bud Light Double Latte, and wait for an answer from the kind and gentle mind of the great Ask Boz.

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