First Name: Cary Aaron
Location: IL
Question: What do you think of the Mitchell Report?

The Mitchell report is yet another example of how humans wuss out on great opportunities and turn them into Made For TV scandals. If steroids were a bad thing, we would understand the overreaction by Major League Baseball. But all the evidence shows that steroids are completely awesome. They can turn thin little panty boys into hulking, raging Sports Monsters.

Had the MLB realized this, they would have immediately begun a program of forced steroid injections. Mitchell should have punished baseball because Bud Selig didn't get on ESPN, fill up a needle with steroids, have George Steinbrenner behind him with his hands absolutely covered with juice-me-up cream, so we could watch player after player getting spiked up and rubbed down with sweet chemical enhancement. Then, every player would be on an even playing field.

That way the real playing field can expand its fences by hundreds of feet, meaning thousands more paying fans. Sure, the drawback to steroids is the players get slower, but even these baseball titans would be able to leg out a 550 foot single. And imagine the excitement of 350,000 drunk fans watching some burly pitcher whip a 150 MPH fastball at a giant hitter, only to see him crack a 874 foot homer and gingerly jog the bases.

It is not too late for baseball to throw out the Mitchell Report and start fresh. They could appoint Jimmy Carter to head a new commission, one that comes out pro-steroids. Then, the MLB should fire Selig and appoint Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, and Denzel Washington as the "Commissionary Triumvirate." Why Denzel? Because he can make anything look good! What role isn't he right for? Sigh ... Gush!

After the Triumvirate issues the new rules about mandatory steroid injections, they should immediately get to work on a urine test that can detect Human Growth Hormone. Players would face immediate suspension and a ban from Hall of Fame membership if they do not test positive for HGH. Thus, players will be both giant sized and quick healing. This strong and focused program will ensure a fair balance in the game. Then we can all sit back and watch these invulnerable behemoths make the earth shake as they slowly round the bases or jog down balls. Finally, baseball will recapture the glory and purity of bygone days when players were drunk, womanizing, amphetamine junkies.

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