Ask Boz
3/26/08
Name: Dede
Location: LA
Question: Am I a good mother?
Well, by the standards set by human mothers, yes, you are a very good mother. You are attentive to your child without spoiling him, you challenge him without making him feel like a failure if he does not at first succeed, and you give him love an affection while not smothering him.
However, by Super Ape standards, you suck! Due to your son's heightened levels of self-esteem and self-worth, he probably won't become the amoral outcast that makes a great member of our species. Of course, now that you read this, you are probably wondering how to break what you have fixed. Here are some simple steps:
- Lack of supervision increases opportunities for wild and immoral behaviors. At first he might only get a few girls pregnant and kill a cat or two, but be patient: the good stuff is on the way!
- Regulating his TV watching and video game play only eliminates the short attention span and hand-eye coordination needed to watch multiple TVs and win important video golf matches while in bars.
- Mouthy talk back is crucial for setting up the conflicts needed to excuse poor grades in school, subpar job performance and criminal behavior that leads to wildness.
- If you get rid of lice so quickly, how is the boy going to learn how to groom himself and others?
Yes, you have years of positive parenting to overcome, but don't despair! When he comes home today to brightly tell you of the great day he had in school, smack him hard in the face and knee him in the pills. It won't take him long to see that the rules have changed and that your new hatred is really true love with a frothy mouth and an angry glare.
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