THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Nature or nurture?

Steve

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Steve,

First, let's make this question clearer to the unintelligent, the ignorant, and to the highly evolved, yet still small-brained, Reading Fish. By "nature," Steve is asking if we should live a hippy existence, throwing elaborate parties for flowers , and trying to mend trees by tying their fallen branches back on. By "nurture" he means we should all be wuss-assed caregivers, showing our children, and other infirm citizens, kindness, respect, and a positive spirit.

Now that this is clearly defined, Steve, we're sad to say that no matter which path you take, it doesn’t matter. It's a fact: we’re all doomed. Run!!!! The murderer is calling from inside the house… he’s inside the house!!!!

Our friend Steve, like many people in our freaked out, flower-power society, wants to turn us into kind, sensitive, and soft Earth perverts. How does he want us to behave? He wants us to Earth lover like a lover loves. He would have us caress its cool, firm, pert rocks. We would be digging our toes into its moist, giving soil, and wiggle, yes, wiggle, ooooooh, mmmmm, wiggle, yeeeessssss!!!!! Soon we would all feel love for ourselves, each other, and the earth. We know what you, the reader, are thinking: What a jerk!

In Steve's fevered brain, he believes we would then gather, one and all, and speak openly about diverse interesting topics, and we would begin to forge strength through our differences, and gain comfort in all we share. This great, peaceful mingling of our species would create a gigantic, magical spaceship. We’d all fit inside, and everyone would dance, because each person hears exactly the music they want to hear, even if it is an album-length remix of “Rock Lobster.”

Anyway, everyone would groove for awhile, and eat the fruit from the trees, while the Pope grilled up millions of steaks and burgers on Friday during Lent, and everyone would eat the beef, even the vegans and the Hindus. Soon, we’d realize that this magical spaceship was really the earth all along. Simultaneously, we’d all become aware that this abundance was for all of us, if we would only share it.

Thankfully, at just about the same time, many people would realize that the bars and package stores were all open, and they’d get roaring drunk. After fornicating, they’d realize that, like, 80% of the world was acting like hippy sissies. So the drunks would start a war just because they had nothing better to do. Also, they'd be angry, because after singing "American Pie" over and over again all night, they realized it didn't make any damn sense. Also, war is no big deal, anyway, since we don’t really die – our spirits just attach themselves to the next available newborn being. Hope you don't end up a dung-beatle!

So, go ahead, marry a tree and treat people well. It all ends up in war and famine, anyway. Drink up, losers.

Yours,

Ask Boz