Ask Boz

12/25/08

Dear Ask Boz,
Does Santa really know if I've been naughty or nice? I've looked around during questionable situations and I didn't see anyone leering at me....
Brad

Dear Brad,

Thank you for this question. I have been wondering about Santa's incredible abilities for some time. How can Santa possibly know all these things AND be holed up in the North Pole making toys? Never mind his incredible ability to distribute a massive number of presents all in one night.

The mystery only deepened when I began to look at the ultimate source of Santa information, the lyrics to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

There is no doubt that he has powers. Santa "sees you when you're sleepin'" and he "knows when you're awake." He has the ability to "know when you are bad or good" and he's "going to find out who's naughty and nice." Clearly, there are no grey areas for Santa: you're either good person or a bad person, asleep or awake. There's no namby-pamby relativity for Mr. Claus. And there is the implied threat: Santa Claus is coming, so if you're bad, watch your back, kid.

His powers, while great, seem fairly narrow. Sure, he can somehow get his fat body into chimneys, and, I guess, into vents of any kind, since not everyone has a chimney. And, though he can see everyone, his strength is focused on determining our moral state, and then deciding what amount and quality of present we each deserve on Christmas Day. His powers seemed easy to define. But something was troubling me.

You see, Brad, as I scanned through the lyrics on different websites, I found a discrepancy: many sites left out certain lyrics. While a few left out the "rootie-toot-toots" and the "curly haired dolls that toddle and coo," that wasn't what I was interested in. No, the Santa Secret I have found is revealed on only one site:

"The kids in Girl and Boy Land
will have a jubilee.
They're going to build a toyland town,
All around the Christmas tree."

Like me, you're wondering "Girl and Boy Land"? Where is this place? And why do these lyrics only appear on one website? Is this some sort of cover-up? Is there something Santa doesn't want us to know?

Knowing of no other way to find out, I immediately hitched up my sled-dog team and headed to the North Pole. When I got to Santa's compound, I cut through the barbed-wire and headed for a huge building. The sign over two gigantic warehouse doors read "Girl and Boy Land." The doors were padlocked, so I headed to one frosty window, wiped a spot clean, and peered in. There, slaving away on toys, was the truth.

There are no elves, Brad. Just little boys and girls, forced to dress in those terrible green and red uniforms, making endless numbers of toys for, you guessed it, all the good little girls and boys. You could see it in their puffy eyes, their faces red from pouting and crying: these kids were the naughty, not the nice. Building a "toyland town" for the good girls and boys in a sweat shop was all the "jubilee" they would get for Christmas.

But how did Santa pull this off? If all these children were missing from families, wouldn't we have heard something? Burning with curiosity, I continued to explore the compound. I was looking for a hall of records, an archive, anything to solve the mystery of these children. A squat building caught my attention. I broke the small padlock and opened the door. Breaking open a flare, I glared through the sparking red light at what I had found.

Unfortunately, it was the egg nog storehouse. I think it musta been Santa's good stuff, because I came to five days later in Anchorage. I was squeezed into an undersized elf outfit and wrapped in the arms of a gently snoring Ice Road Trucker. Before I could get it together, get a quickie divorce from Norm, and head back to the Pole, my lawyers informed me that Santa had a restraining order out on me. Seems I got a little bold around Mrs. Claus while Santa was out delivering toys.

I'll tell ya, those nog benders are nothing but trouble. Really, ask me about Christmas '96 sometime. Whoa! I'm still paying the settlement to the Church of the Good Sheppard for what I did to the Nativity scene. Seriously, dude, stay away from the egg sauce this holiday.

Best wishes,
Ask Boz

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