Ask Boz

1/1/09

Dear Boz,
What are your New Years resolutions for 2009?
Patty B.

Dear Patty,

Great changes are coming for the New Year. President Obama will spark an incredible run of positive events throughout the world. By the end of 2009, our world will be economically robust and teetering on the brink of peace. Volunteerism will rise, people will band together to support one another, and all troubles will begin to melt away.

Individuals will take their resolutions to work-out and eat right seriously. Organic foods will sweep orange colored cheese snacks from the shelves, and liquor stores will shift their sales to fruity health drinks. Crime will disappear. Ethnic and gender divisions will evaporate. People will strengthen the simple bonds of family, and everyone will become sexually responsible with one partner for life. This society of lean, moral and responsible people will usher in a golden age of peace and prosperity.

But there is a problem: there must be balance in the world. With all this weight loss, health-consciousnessism, and caring, the forces of chaos and evil will be starved for fulfillment. That's where I will step in. I will do every bad thing needed to mantain balance in the world:

  1. I resolve to drink beer with a vodka chaser and chase the chaser with grain alcohol while enjoying a nice glass of wine.
  2. I resolve to take steriods and play Major League Baseball.
  3. I resolve to dip each piece of meat into animal growth hormones right before I put it in my mouth.
  4. I resolve to not wear a bra over the breasts that I grow due to the effects of the last two resolutions.
  5. I resolve to wear low-cut shirts so that everyone can stare at my cleavage instead.
  6. I resolve to court numerous women, give them the wedding of their dreams, and then shatter their hearts.
  7. I resolve to court numerous men, give them the civil union of their dreams, and then shatter their hearts.
  8. I resolve to make every gender, ethnic, and cultural stereotype and slur be aimed at me. Hey! What did you just call me?

I am willing and able to do this for the salvation of mankind. The only problem I can anticipate is the terrible, ravaging sickness that will result from perpetual drunkeness and deep-frying all my food. I'm sure, however, that the new spirit of generosity will assure that I will get any organ I need to maintain my health and continue to destroy myself in order to save the world.

Happy New Year,
Boz

Last time: Is Santa spying on us?

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