Real questions. Unreal answers.

8/31/10

Dear Ask Boz,

If ninjas and jedi had a war who would win?
Olaf Ninjaman

Wow! What great timing! We just wrapped up our first season of "When Jedi Attack!" for Fox Kids. Serendiptiulugously, our last episode was "When Jedi Attack Ninja!" So we are in a really good position to answer this question.

I arrived at your answer by comparing Jedi and Ninja in four major categories. They are:

Superpowers:
  • Jedi: The main Jedi powers are Mind Control and Telekinesis. Mind Control is generally used to get robots through poorly manned checkpoints. Telekinesis is used to make chaotically stacked lego tiles into a bridge.
  • Ninja: Ninja have no superpowers.
  • Analysis: Despite the fact that Jedi generally squander their force powers on robot smuggling and trying to make things drop on a guy who is too smart and powerful to ever let anything actually drop on him, they actually have powers. And Ninjas don't.
Advantage: Jedi

Weapons:
  • Jedi: Jedis seem pretty stuck on the lightsaber. So, basically, they have pretty cool laser sword. Some of them even use two at a time. Some even four.
  • Ninja: The ninja aren't so fixated on the pretty light sword. They wield regular swords, throwing stars, nun-chuks, bow and arrow and blowdart.
  • Analysis: While the Jedi weapon is really awesome, it lacks realistic range. The ninja can get you up close, far away, and anywhere in-between. Just wondering: did they both miss the invention of the gun? Really seems like kind of a blind spot for both groups.
Advantage: Ninja

Stealth:
  • Jedi: The Jedi don't really seem to "get" the advantage of surprise. They tend to land big noisy spacecraft right up close to where they want to go, then stride in confidently to wherever it is they're going to do whatever it is they're doing. Plus, if you didn't hear them in the first place, they're always lighting their lightsabers, which make a god-awful lot of racket.
  • Ninja: The whole deal with Ninjas seems to be that you don't even know they are there until you are clutching your throat and making "gkkk-gkk-gkk" noises as you die. They love to hide in shadows, so they're pretty reliant on dim lighting. It's hard to see how they would sneak up on a store manager at any American overlit mega-store, but maybe that kind of thing isn't too common.
  • Analysis: The Jedi come off as pretty arrogant here. The Ninja come off as really smart about the chosen color for their clothes.
Advantage: Ninja

Defense:
  • Jedi: The Jedi can use their force powers to block anything you throw at them. In addition, if you fire a laser at them, they can block it with their lightsabers, often ironically redirecting your shot back at you. Even the Jedi that look stupid.
  • Ninja: The Ninjas believe that the best defense is a good you-can't-see-me-so-how-can-you-hit-me-fense. Meaning, you can't kill something that you only hear just as the poison blowdart enters your neck.
  • Analysis: Back to the whole "we're to cool to hide" thing, Jedi seem to really over-estimate their own powers. Eventually, enemies would figure out that if you just surround them with, say, a thousand bad guys, and keep pluggin' away with the old blasters, eventually something has to get through and tag them. Plus, based on the whole Order 66 deal, the Jedi are completely unprepared for any sort of betrayal or untrustworthiness, even in the middle of a terribly complex multi-galaxy war. It almost seems that if Darth Vader, when confronted by Obi Wan in the Death Star, had deactivated his saber and said "Yo, my bad," that Obi would have wiped away a tear and hugged him and forgave him, and then been wicked surprised to hear the reemergence of the lightsaber just before he was decapitated. While Ninjas whole deal seems to be about hiding and mistrust and assassination, which while not a great way to live, seems to give them a one up on the enemy.
Advantage: Ninjas

Based on our research, the war would end up with a lot of Ninjas melting away into the shadows, leaving a lot of arrogant Jedi corpses with throwing stars sticking from their still bleeding eyes.

Boz


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