Ask Boz
3/17/08
Name: Jenny
Location: United States
Question: how do i make tons of money doing nothing?
What a great idea! We've been spending all this time with the wrong paradigm. The Ask Boz theory has been to do work and make no money. But, due to your insightful email, we realize we had it all backwards. If there was a way to, as you so eloquently put it, "make tons of money doing nothing," why, we'd be rich, and our lives would be so wonderfully empty.
On to your question. This is a problem. It is hard to make money actually doing nothing ... and even minimal effort usually only means minimal pay. That leaves out being a hooker, which is fairly minimal work, unless you call pretending to like gross losers that can't get a real woman "work." Politicians don't do a whole hell of a lot when they get the job, but you have to pretend to like a lot of gross losers who can't run their own lives so they want you to do it for them. So we think that you should take a page out of ol' L. Ron Hubbard's manual: create a religion for fun and profit.
Wait, you say: that sounds like work to me. Good point Jenny, unless we do it for you! That's right, here's Jenny's very own religion courtesy of good ol' AB.C. Don't worry - we won't work hard - we'll just steal some cool things from existing religions so you can start taking free money from idiots, fools, and famous actors.
Here are the four elements of Jennyism:
- Secret Society: Foolishly, the early Christians gave up this aspect of their religion. There's nothing cooler than feeling you're in a select group of true believers who have it right when everyone else is DEAD wrong. Bringing this back will not only make people love being Jennyists, but also you can sell chintzy little icons to your little group at incredible mark-ups.
- Forgiveness of Sins: The Catholics have this one right - Confession makes everyone feel good even though they're a bunch of greedy overweight fornicators. But taking confession means work, and they're just giving redemption away. Not to worry! We'll just ressurect the old Catholic tradition of selling indulgences. You'll rake in the dough while your disgusting flock feels good about being bad.
- The Chosen: Thank the Jews for this one. The only thing better than knowing there is a God is knowing that God loves you and hates everyone else. But let's add a twist: Chosen Points. Along with being one of the elect loved by God, they can buy Chosen Points to get them even closer to the Holy Throne when they go to Heaven. Tell 'em $10,000 million will get them a seat next to Jesus, or whoever.
- Energy Balance Gadgets and Holy Underwear: The Scientologists make their suckers pay to get their energy all straightened out. The Mormon's wear underwear that they think reflect the original garments worn by Adam and Eve. What ev'! Just scrounge up some old wires and diodes and some of the clothes you don't fit into anymore and sell them at huge mark-ups. When your followers ask what to do with them, give them "The Holy Finger." Of course, they know that "The Holy Finger" is the sacred sign to shut up, leave you the hell alone, and give you some more money.
That should do it. If your fool minions ask you any questions, tell them to read the Bible backwards. Or, better yet, tell them to Ask Boz.
Please vote for us at Humor Links.The link goes directly to the vote page and it is very easy.
Last time: Will my love for Micke last forever?
Laster time: Will we be stuck here?
Lastest time: Why am I still hooked?
NEW! Vote for us at Humor Links
