Dear Ask Boz,

I wondered if I could beg your assistance with a tiny medical dilemma. A 55 year old woman presented to me with complaints of a rapid onset vertiginous syncope. There was neither tremor, incontinence, nor post-ictum. After this episode she complains of unsteadiness. My examination reveals normal speech and language including gnosis and steognosis. She had a wide-based ataxia, but was not apraxic, and she kept referring to me as "doodle-bunny." When asked to spell simple words like "onomatopoeia" or "megakaryocytopoeisis" she inexplicably began to munch on the examination table paper while mumbling about nunchucks ("Nunchucks! Nunchucks! AHHHHHHH! NUNCHUCKS!"). My question is, at this point, do I initiate emprical anti-platelet therapy or do I simply bludgeon her (perhaps with nunchucks) and have done with it?

Steven J Rigatti, MD, BSN, MSN, BIG, NOSE

Dear "Doctor" "Rigatti,",

Ask Boz Central thanks you for your exhaustive and exhausting "diagnonsense." Sadly, all your data is meaningless. Except the "nun-chucks" part. OK, so, we admit that your data wasn’t completely meaningless. Are you happy, Dr. Stupid? It's just that it was so very, very, super-pointless, except for the wee part about the aforesaid "nun-chucks," you see.

Your patient is attempting to, at the very least, get a prescription for nun-chucks from you. As any doctor knows, prescription nun-chucks kick 26% more enemy butt than over-the-counter nun-chucks. However, we need to know how advanced the case of "Bad Ass Super Ninja Syndrome," or BASNS your patient is exhibiting, before we can help you. The questions we would like answered:

1. Has the patient fixed you with a snake-like, flat, hypnotic stare?
2. Is the patient flying or hovering, or presently fighting a black-garbed swordsman at the top of a tree outside your office?
3. Are any of your internal organs presently externalized?
4. Do you have any idea how completely screwed you are?

If you answered "yes" to only one of these, she only has Primary BASNS. Immediately cease any Kung-fu fighting. Also, if, up to this point, you have been talking in English but moving your mouth so it looks like you're still talking after you said the last word, like in dubbed Kung-fu movies, keep doing it, because that's pretty funny.

If you are already deeply engaged in martial arts with the patient, she clearly has Secondary BASNS. Do not, under any circumstances, supply her with nun-chucks. Immediately lock up any nun-chuck samples supplied to you by Japanese Martial-Pharmaceutical companies. She will cleverly try to trick you into giving her such devices by saying such things as, "All the other short Italian doctors give me weapons," or "If you give me the nun-chucks I’ll hit you so you like it," and "Are you a doctor or just happy to see me? Give me nun-chucks!" Then she will do a series of hand movements aimed at hypnotizing you into giving up any nun-chucks you happen to have on you.

It is vitally important to act calmly. If you feel you are about to panic, simply repeat to yourself, "She is a bad ass super ninja, I will ignore her request and protect against a future onslaught!" We realize that as an affirmation, it’s a little unwieldy. You might want to practice in the down time between bad ass super ninja whomp-ups on your doomed doctor butt!

She has Tertiary BASNS if you are engaged in martial arts with the patient AND have surrendered nun-chuck(s) to her. In this case, then, you are already dead. Given that, make any necessary phone calls, while she is whipping the nun-chucks at blurring speed all around her body going "hhwwwaaaaaaiiii-iiiiiyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!?!!!!" When speaking to relatives, be clear and concise, and by all means mention you love them and that "it’s been great."

All hope is not lost if there is a hippy nearby. Grab it, put it in the room with her, put your lab coat on it (you may wish to pinch your nose here), and run out of the room saying, "Let’s see you cure her with your beads and scents and sacred prisms, if you’re so smart, Tofu!" If it works and she calms down, hey, a win-win. And if not, well, you know…..

The great and wonderful Ask Boz

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