Real questions. Unreal answers.

6/27/09

Dear Ask Boz,

Why does the Boz wear his underwear on his head when he visits his friends in NH?
Jeffrey, NH

Dear Jeff,

The answer to this is all about timing. Note that I did not start putting undies on my head until 2003, the same year that "The Old Man in the Mountain" escaped from his cliff-side prison.

You see, the Old Man and I were great friends during the Cretaceous period. We ran a lucrative Dinosaur fighting ring for all the goda and demi-gods around at the time. We made a lot of money as our Tyrannosaurs and Titanosaurs fought it out for divine gambling pleasure. It was all good fun until "God" came along and started all this "morality" crap.

I guess it's my fault that things went sour between us. I got bored one night, got a little loaded and I kinda beer-goggled his favorite Stegosaurus. He caught us in the act, and was enraged by the betrayal of his lover and his best friend.

In the centuries that followed, the old man pursued me. Knowing he would not rest until he caught me and made me pay for my stego-sins, I had to find a way to stop him. So I used my magic powers and my innate sense of geological timing to encase him in the White Mountains as they formed.

And so it stood for thousands of years. But his recent escape, and subsequent team up with some Easter Island gangsters has revived our old enmity. Unwilling to run, and less powerful in this age of geological stability, I have taken to disguising myself with underwear.

Rock based life-forms are uniquely susceptible to the old "underwear-on-the-head" trick: it not only hides the features, it transforms them. Unfortunately for me, that has not been without consequence. Although he doesn't think it's me, it makes me look like a really hot statue. Centuries of imprisonment have made him pretty horny, so he is almost constantly in his "granite state." However, while his revenge is painful, I have to say it is poetically just.

Yours,

Boz


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