Dear Ask Boz,

Dear Monkey,

Thankfully for you, we here at the Ask Boz Compound have been researching just this thing. Sadly for you, by "research" we mean finding YouTube videos that are related, then making a bunch of stuff up.

Based on these videos we've learned a few things - panda's are sissy and giraffes are bad ass. Seriously. The pandas roll around gently touching each other. The giraffes full out neck fight and head crack each other. Honestly, if I was a bear I would vote to kick the pandas out and invite giraffes into the family. They could be called bearaffes. Wait. No. That doesn't sound great out loud, does it? Like "Did you see that bearaffe streaking by?" Doesn't sound right.

But this isn't a real fight, so we'll give the panda a chance. Here's how it happens. The roly-poly gentle panda bear watches curiously as the giraffe walks up to it. Standing up on its fat little hind legs, it investigates this giant, and then WHAM! The giraffe puts all its neck behind one of those head punches and the panda goes flying.

As the giraffe gallops up to deliver its next hit, the panda rolls around in the grass. Unhurt, the panda thinks this is some new game. The giraffe thunders up, and the panda stands, presenting a perfect target. POW! Another powerful smack from the giraffe's neck and the panda is again sent tumbling.

This time, the panda get up more slowly. It's hurt, and starting to realize this is no game. There's blood around the panda's mouth. Its pink tongue dips into the red, tasting its pain. Something changes in the panda's expression.

But the giraffe hasn't noticed. It's drunk with power. And it's a little drunk. It's coming with its head already lowered, ready to flick the panda high in the air, longing to hear the sweet crunch that panda bones make on the hard-baked ground.

But this time, as the giraffe is swinging its neck, the panda steps to the side and SLAM! Panda punch right onto a thin, fragile giraffe ankle. SNAP! The giraffe screams, and starts hobbling away on three legs, its hurt hoof bent just above the ground.

Clearly the panda is pissed, and an enraged panda knows no limits. First, it taunts the limping giraffe by tossing panda babies at it. Just because it can. Then SNAP! The panda breaks the giraffe's opposite ankle. That way the giraffe can still balance itself, but it can't move. Clever, cruel panda.

Now the panda goes back to its igloo and gathers up some of the delicious twigs and leaves it had collected just for such occassions. It brings them to the giraffe and leaves them just out of reach. Then the panda watches with cruel glee as the giraffe strains its neck, closer and closer to the leaves, its two good legs trembling more and more violently as it get closer. Finally, it topples forward. The panda lets it eat for a moment, then SNAP! SNAP! There go the other two ankles.

At this point, the giraffe seems to be in a little pain. And the panda has begun to calm down. It starts to regret the baby throwing a little. And maybe the last couple of ankles. But now there's a big old crippled giraffe to be dealt with. So he calls up his tiger friends to "clean things up." Just like the incident with the gazelle. And the Koala bear. And that jeep full of humans. He'd broken all of their ankles, too. He wonders if maybe he just hates ankles. The panda decides to talk to his anger management teacher about it.

Boz

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