Dear Ask Boz,

Why don't Polar Bears eat Penguins?

Ahhh. A question that has plagued philosophers, ornithologists, and drunks for days. How in the world could the scrumptious little tuxedoed fellas escape the abominable wrath of the amiable, yet really freakin' huge and deadly polar bear? Luckily for you, a recent grant led to us forming the Ask Boz Polar Bear and Penguin Relations Research Igloo, right here at Ask Boz HQ. Have we ever mentioned that the HQ is in the trackless wastes of Siberia? More on that later.

So, as we now have all the state of the art equipment to track and catalogue Penguin/Polar Bear relations, we were ideally suited to answer your question. Much like you, we were ready to find a secret Penguin Graveyard, full of the tiny, bleached bones of slaughtered penguins. Of course the Polar Bears would have to hide the remains. Coke isn't going to put the cuddly looking white bears in their commercials if the only image people have of them is sitting surrounded by dead penguins as the wipe their red-smeared jaws with a bloody paw.

Instead of the horrible graveyard, we found an answer that was much more sinister: Polar Bears aren't real. You see, Polar Bears are actually the creations of Penguins. Thousands of years ago, clever, geeky penguin scientists finally found the solution to being awkward, roly-poly targets that even a crappy carnivore could catch. Using their amazing opposable wings, these penguin geniuses built life like suits of the giant white bears. Inside the suit, a penguin could control the creature by inserting its wings into slots that ran the cranks. They used their little webbed feet to depress a series of pedals. These actions combined to give the illusion of an actual beast.

The day they rolled out the first models, boy weren't the predators surprised! According to Ancient Penguin texts, years of hopeless impotence in the claws of predators led the penguins to use their suits in an orgy of slaughter. The first few months were just generally a blood bath, where the previously pencil-necked nerd Penguin scientists roared into a frenzy of compensation for all the wrongs that had been done to them. I guess some penguins got it, too. Like the bully penguin that kicked snow in ones nerdy face, down by the water, and they stole their hot penguin girl. Seriously, the penguins just came unhinged for a little while and just went crazy with the killin'. You wouldn't believe how much life there used to be in the polar regions. They calmed down after a while. I mean, they had to.There's only so much killing inside one of them tiny guys.

This will, of course, change your sadness about the recent announcement that Polar Bears might become endangered. It seems that Global Warming is effecting the amount of ice flows that these guys need for hunting. But now that you know they aren't real, who the hell cares, right? Plus, remember how we said Ask Boz HQ was in Siberia? Yeah, we know, bad choice, right? But seriously, you need a lot of room to house a collective, and the land prices here are soooo cheap. You see, we built some condos that our scientists are pretty sure will be on a very nice beach in about ten years. So, listen, we really, really need you to support Global Warming. In fact, we're pushing for "Global Hotting." So, if you wouldn't mind, could you go outside right now and idle your car for an hour or two? And just, I don't know, spray lots of aerosol just for the hell of it. Maybe you can get in on the condos with us? Anyway, just think about it, ok?

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