Do you have any pets?

Opria D'Esrever

Connecticut, USA

As you may well imagine, a vast and sprawling super-ape collective would, naturally, mean there are many animals wandering around. As a village, we raise many cats, dogs, ferrets, chipmunks, lemurs, and dodos in a communal fashion that individualist humans could not understand. Though we have banned cruel sports like dog fighting and cock fighting, we have found a real love of "dog vs. cock" fighting, despite its rather predictable ending. You really should try it. Plus, there is nothing like the taste of canine-rended cock meat for a truly inspiring meal.

Because there are so many of us, we can afford to keep more exotic pets as well. Here are a few examples:

1. Retired bull fighting bulls are allowed to wander free throughout the Ask Boz campus. Clearly, funny things happen when the color red is introduced. We have taken to tying red flags and banners to everything, then laughing as the stupid, enraged bulls charge around, trying to attack inanimate objects, thus getting their horns hilariously stuck in trees, houses, and the other bulls that we painted red. Don't worry, our sadistic cruelty extends to our own kind, too. We thinned our herd with the recent "Wear Red to Stop Incontinence" day. Let us tell you: seeing an enraged bull coming at you, then being subsequently gored by said enraged bull, seems to encourage more incontinence than it prevents. Ironic!
2. Micheal Jackson has graciously assented to be our pet. His only requests were for exotic bubblegum, (it took us a very long time to make patchouli flavor, but we did it, by gum!) to be constantly surrounded by fire-eaters, an HD version of pong, and unlimited check out of children's books from the Ask Boz Library and Killer Bee Freedom Project Room. Oh, don't worry - our psychological work-up on him shows he is not in the least bit attracted to super-ape children. What, do you think we're sickos?

If you would like to be an Ask Boz pet, simply spin and spin until you are dizzy. Then give up because we don't want you.

Ask Boz

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