How do you get rid of cockroaches?

The Pied Piper. We just couldn't resist the whole package he brings.

First, he has the whole piping thing. He really sounds amazing! Sometimes we just sit and listen to him. Especially when he comes to summon the crickets for our weekly Cricket Stomp. Oh, how we despise crickets! He can pretty much get rid of any kind of pest, though he can't tempt water creatures. So we got rid of the dolphins another way.

He markets his first name really well. Super Apes are all drunks, so we were so happy that it means "pie eyed." As in wife shaming drunk. Whenever the Piper comes over to draw away some mice, or ants, or human children, he brings along his "Pied Piper Malt Liquor." We all get drunk, and enact that mob dance scene from Matrix Reloaded.

And, of course, he brings ever so many pies. Some are nice soft pies baked with mingling flavors, others are crusty and brimming with hearty, sugary fruit. Some of the pies we are not permitted to speak of. Sorry.

He makes mice attack. Mice swarms are an especially useful weapon as they produce complete freakin' panic. Plus, if you're attacking a bunch of fleeing fifties stereotypes you get to whistle at them, and say "hey, hey, cutie pie," and they don't even mind, because they're running from a real lot of mice. They don't have time for your woman issues.

The Pied Piper is ours, but we do hire out the mice. You have to buy two recordings. The CD with the song entitled "Mice, Attack the Cockroaches" is only five dollars. However, the song named "Please, mice, leave my home. Aiiieaiiayaaaaaah!!!!!" will cost you 5 Million. Make sure you convert that to "Ape Bucks."

Ask Boz

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