Hi Boz,
Why if pizzas are round do they put them in a square box?
Linda,
Horsham West Sussex


Dear Linda,

Before I get to your question, I must register my absolute fascination with the name of your home. Horsham West Sussex. It is revealing that I immediately look for anything strange or wrong or sexy in the name. Let's start with sexy, shall we?

For instance, the name has "sex" right there at the end. If you combine the beginning and end you have "horssex," which is nearly Shakespearean in its possible meanings. The next thing I noticed was "ham wet sex." And then, what I sincerely hope is not the secret motto of your city: "hors we sex."

Man, what a bountiful name. I'm not done. Where did the combination of "horse" and "ham" came from? An area delicacy perhaps? Can I, say, stroll into a butcher shop in West Sussex and order up some "horse ham"? I'd imagine that would be a large piece of meat. I bet you must use it for holidays, mostly. Let me know when you're serving some up and I'll book a trip to England.

Well, Linda, the answer to your question is quite well known to those of us who study pizza history. A long time ago the ancient Italians began delivery of pizzas in round wooden boxes. Italians were delighted, naturally feeling that the invention of delivery pizza would secure their place in delivery history. But all was not well.

Something troubling was happening: some pizzas were exploding inside the box. Italians everywhere were mystified by this phenomenon, but they knew one thing for sure: getting an exploding pizza was a bad omen. So the Italian government reached out to the Philisophical Community for answers.

A philosopher by the name of Berdettino "Plato" Ricogatti postulated what is known as the "Pizza Pie Uncertainty Principle." He believed that pizza was an "advanced food" with a low level of thought and feeling. Up to this point in their evolution, pizzas had always had the spaciousness of brick ovens, large kitchens and dining room tables to live in. Suddenly, they were confined to these form fitting boxes. He theorized that more sensitive pizzas, caught with walls encricling them, completely freaked out and exploded.

Morally troubled and not a little skeeved out by this theory, the Italian race had to look at their pizzas in a new way. They quickly accepted the idea that pizzas had feelings, but since they're so yummy they didn't really care. However, out of respect for pizzas that are, let's face it, being marched to certain death, the Ministry of Pizza designed the square box. It gave the pizza an inch of breathing room between the crust and the box wall. Each pizza was given a wax-paper blanket and a round cardboard bed to rest on, which also collects the grease.

Since that day, pizza and mankind have lived in peace. If you define "peace" as humans chomping and slurping and swallowing millions of pieces of this gentle food each hour. So don't you go messin' Linda.

Cheers,
Boz

Last time: What colour is the limo that got crushed by the tree?

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