Dear Ask Boz,

My neighbor’s dog keeps pooping on my lawn. What should I do?

Festering Feces

Dear "Festering,"

Firstly, Ask Boz does not like people who sign their questions with "clever" alliteration instead of an actual name. We do not care to see a question about hemorrhoids signed “Bulbous Butt Buttons,” or a question about NASCAR with the appellation “Dumb in Dallas” or “Greasy Loser Head in Greensboro.” We just deleted a question about the UN signed “Butrous Butrous.” What does that even mean? So keep it real, punk! Say who you is!

A year ago, we would have had a simple answer to your problem. Our Animal Poop Prevention Technology was attached to thousands of animals, stopping a whopping 100% of fecal emissions! But the no good liberal US Government had to point out that “sealing the anus of animals is a form of cruelty.” OOOOOhhhhhhh! We’re all so kind and gentle now. Ohhhh, we’re practically European. At Ask Boz central, we were all like, “You figure out how to stop it, then, George W. Guevera.” When that lefty Bush is up to his handlebars in poopy on one of his enviro-swishy bike rides, he’ll soon be signing Executive Order 667: Seal all Sphincters.

But in this era of free-love and socialism, we all have to pretend that things like animals and trees are useful and pretty. It makes us angry. Really. Take butterflies. The same design on both sides? Boring! Snowflakes … no two alike? Wrong! They all equally SUCK.

However, in the spirit of this new age, let us analyze what the dog is doing. Clearly, it is not pooping on your lawn as some sort of insult. Of course, a dog is a highly evolved, loving, furry being, incapable of purposely leaving stuff on your lawn that it doesn’t want to deal with all up in its own yard. No, really, what it is doing is much more special!

Uncle Festering, you have to realize that this is an attempt at communication. Each poop is a gift made of the lovely detritus that has so miraculously passed through the dog’s blessed innards. You must treasure each dump separately. But from afar! Don’t disturb the precious brown mounds that are scattered throughout your yard. Instead, watch the sparkling dance of flies in the sunlight buzzing around them. See the cartoon stink lines rise up as the wind blows the stench to your anxiously waiting nostrils. As time passes, observe each pile slowly growing white and crumbly. Mourn each sweet little deposit on the day that it has decayed and the wind has born the last of the crap dust away.

You know, this has really made Ask Boz think. If we all honored our waste matter a little more, and thought about how evacuating our insides is all about giving back to the earth that made us, we’d make really boring guests at parties.

Yours truly,

Ask Boz