Can I get mashed potatoes out of a low pile carpet? Damn stuff is ground in pretty good.

W.K., New York

You're going to need to get a ball pein hammer. Got one in your tool box? No, not that one, that's a claw hammer. We said a ball pein. No, dear, that's a cross pein pin hammer. Why do you even have one of those anyway? There you go, that's the one. Now put it back. Why the hell would you need a hammer to get out potatoes?

OK, seriously. We want you to brew up a pot of coffee. No, not Hazelnut. Real coffee! There you go ... mmmmmmm ... brings us back to our days in the Medellin Cartel. You'll need about ten cups. Done? OK. You want to pour it in a spiral pattern, starting about ten feet from the potato stain, and swirl it all the way in until you can pour the last two cups right on the potatoes. Done? Now take a magnum of red wine, preferably a merlot, and repeat, trying to make this pattern inside the coffee pattern. When you have finished this, get a thin, but wide, board, and rub the coffee and wine into the carpet until it is down into the carpet and completely dry. These new, much larger stains will last much longer than the potatoes, and make you forget all about them. Plus, you'll get to make up elaborate lies about how the stains happened. Try "I had a crazy party where we put wine and coffee into a rotary sprinkler" or, dramatically say, "Ask me not! For I am an artiste!" Don't forget your beret for that last one. Trust us, these lies will make you far more interesting than you presently are. Occasionally bathing might be a good idea, too.

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