What is Ask Boz?

Pre-historic times

Little is known about Ask Boz in prehistoric times, mainly because it is before history. Plus, Ask Boz is a completely made up person. Still, what small amount we do know is a great deal.

Ask Boz in Cave Art

Many archeologists posit that there are several early cave paintings of Ask Boz. Sadly, these archeologists all got their degrees on-line, and they are all drunks with scabies.

For instance, Jan Janjans postulated that this painting was an answer to a question about the evolution of “booty.” The most notable, and drunkest, treatise on connections between Ask Boz and ancient cave art was put forth in Dr. Fleert Reenflagas speech, “Tha’ Antelope is Athk (hic) Bothz.” You can listen to a recording of his speech in a special booth at Ask Boz Central’s Audio-Video-Stink section. We’ve found the best way to listen is to get really hammered, put on Dark Side of the Moon right when his speech starts, kick back with a nice brown frittata, and turn over, tube out, and, ummm - heh (head scratching noise) Umm... keep reading. I have shamed the Ask Boz. I must now go commit CHIAROSCURO.

Was an ancient computer an early Ask Boz?

When the Antikythera Mechanism was discovered and analyzed, mainstream science labeled it as a device used for elaborate calculations of solar, lunar, terrestrial, and … ummmm … starial movement. As we all know that mainstream science is completely controlled by the Taoist Naturism Complex, our team set out to prove our theory that this early computer was actually Ask Boz. Here’s our lead researcher, Dr. Ask Boz, talking in a breathy, rushed voice about our findings:

You fed in your “questions balls” here, and their weight caused this lever to depress, which activated these gear doohingys here, which pulled the “answer rope” into the ready position. This triggers a series of small miracles, which results in the mouse trap entering go position and dropping, which traps the “answer mouse.” The number of terrified squeaks was meticulously recorded, then the mouse was killed and disemboweled, and a Witch Doctor read its entrails, providing the answer for all mankind.

This is uncannily like the present process of answering questions, except we’re now nearly 100% entrail free. Well, actually, in the spirit of full disclosure, we just replaced meat entrails with soy entrails. You don't feel so guilty eating them afterwards, either. Mouse entrails are suprisingly fattening.

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