THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

How many quarks in a quasar?

RESPONSORIAL

Oh, we think we're soooooooo clever, don't we? Ooooh, we'll stump Ask Boz with a scientific question about how many potentially unreal tiny particles fit into a poorly understood interstellar whoosy-whatsit! We can't wait to see Ask Boz wiggle and squirm, so sensual, so very .... um, that is, wiggle and squirm as they are unable to answer our ooooh sooo brilliant query!

Wrong! Because you're question is STUPID! No, that's wrong, but it is only your stupidity that led us to say something wrong, stupid! We meant to say YOU are stupid! Why? Well, which quark did you mean, mister or mrs. or ms. or miss or homunculus smarty pants? And which quasar is your oh soo very intelligent and witty question referring to, jerk face? Hmmmm? Oh, using the old "you're not really talking to me so how can I answer" ploy, eh? Coward!

So, as to which quark you are referencing (just for now, we will pretend you are talking about the cosmic quasar):

1. Are you referring to the German Quark? In other words, do you really want to know how much fricken' cottage cheese can fit in a quasar? Is there even a reliable unit of cottage cheese measurement? It's all gooey and stuff! If you tried to fit it in a quasar, it'll, like, compress and squirt all over the place. Then, some kind of colossal cottage cheese induced supernova could pulverize entire worlds, destroying innocent life and civilizations. Do you even think a little before asking a question? (Plus the whole uber quark thing in the link is a little scary. Could that have been Hitler's ultimate goal, to create a super cottage cheese that would enslave all other cottage cheeses to do its evil bidding? Scary thought ... and it is white ...)
2. Perhaps you were talking about the Puegot Quark. At least this has some kind of fixed volume, so we could count the number of quarks that fit in a quasar. (Notice we are not even mentioning that there is no Bozzatching way to define a constant size of a quasar anyway. Oh. Never mind. Guess saying you're not mentioning something is still mentioning.) Still, how the hell are we going to get a bunch of steam-powered ATV thingies out to the quasar in the first place? What? Oh, ha-ha. You mean you're serious? Drive them? Do you know the route? After taking Clemence to Piper Springs, hopping on the Cross-Bronx to Interstate 95 to Route 1, even Ask Boz is at a loss. We'd try Mapquest but it always seems to give one wrong turn. You take a right at the Pleiades and BOOM! Sucked up into a Green Hole!
3. Or maybe you meant the lovable rapscallion Quark from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? At least with him there is some interstellar experience, but if we remember correctly he was a cowardly sort, that wouldn't do anything without money in it. So you better gather some serious Galactic Credits together, as well as invest in a serious Fictional Alien Cloning Program, before we start stacking up Quarks inside quasars.
4. Finally, perhaps you're asking how many absurd and obscure Star Trek parody programs could fit in a quasar. Do us a favor: buy the non-existent DVD collection. Then, build yourself a pretend quasar out of bendy straws, taffy, and Mardi Gras beads. Make a nice little bed for the DVD's out of Easter grass and a moss colony that you have cruelly ripped off a stone. Place the DVD's within the "quasar" on its little DVD bed, and you'll have your answer: ONE. Then cry about how stupid you are, stupid!

Well, dummy, we're feeling so good after this that we're going to give you a second answer. Here, finally, is a fully measurable Quasar. And here is a picture of Quark about to do a little cross-species bidness. So, wait until morning, and when you see him coming down the driveway, still dressing himself, you put one Quark into one Quasar, and he does the ride of shame in the stupid looking scooter back to his ugly, nagging, big-eared wife.

Good luck on ever being smart or useful.

Ask Boz

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