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Ask Boz Express


Can I get mashed potatoes out of a low pile carpet? Damn stuff is ground in pretty good.

W.K., New York

You're going to need to get a ball pein hammer. Got one in your tool box? No, not that one, that's a claw hammer. We said a ball pein. No, dear, that's a cross pein pin hammer. Why do you even have one of those anyway? There you go, that's the one. Now put it back. Why the hell would you need a hammer to get out potatoes?

OK, seriously. We want you to brew up a pot of coffee. No, not Hazelnut. Real coffee! There you go ... mmmmmmm ... brings us back to our days in the Medellin Cartel. You'll need about ten cups. Done? OK. You want to pour it in a spiral pattern, starting about ten feet from the potato stain, and swirl it all the way in until you can pour the last two cups right on the potatoes. Done? Now take a magnum of red wine, preferably a merlot, and repeat, trying to make this pattern inside the coffee pattern. When you have finished this, get a thin, but wide, board, and rub the coffee and wine into the carpet until it is down into the carpet and completely dry. These new, much larger stains will last much longer than the potatoes, and make you forget all about them. Plus, you'll get to make up elaborate lies about how the stains happened. Try "I had a crazy party where we put wine and coffee into a rotary sprinkler" or, dramatically say, "Ask me not! For I am an artiste!" Don't forget your beret for that last one. Trust us, these lies will make you far more interesting than you presently are. Occasionally bathing might be a good idea, too.

Answers from a thread on 311.com

How do you have so much time?

Cloning - there are fifty of us working at all times around the clock - we neither eat, nor drink, and we sit in our own filth - when one of us perishes, it is quickly swept away and replaced - this keeps our humor having that "new clone smell"

Ask boz, are you missing a chromosome?

No, actually. But we do have "Z" chromosome. The z chromosome increases our "funerocity" by fifty percent over those with only x and y. However, it gives us disgraceful body odor, thick ankles, and an overwhelming desire to take 4th grade standardized tests. Besides the smell, you can always spot people who "got the z" by our third arm. It is called the "beer arm," because it can only lift 12 ounces at a time. No more, no less. So no ponies or 40's for the old beer arm.

So, essentially, we are all overweight, smelly drunks with cankles, who are either writing HI-larious posts on websites or answering questions like: Which of these animals gets its energy by eating other animals?

1. A a cow
2. B a wolf
3. C p-nut
4. D a horse

Are you That Guy SB?

This is a difficult question to answer. The Ask Boz collective is no one thing or person. But we cannot honestly say we are not "That Guy SB." You see, we found "That Guy SB" wandering around in the background of a film (it was Gigli,... we know, but who could resist the pairing of Affleck and Lopez?) and abducted him. After doing all the necessary invasive and horrifying experiments that we do to anyone we are assimilating, we took him in. As with any other inductee, we hoped that he would bring a new level of humor to the already devastatingly hilarious Ask Boz world, but, sadly, he was only really good at poop jokes. We already had that covered, you see. So he pretty much does most of the cleaning ... toilets and such. Makes a mean grilled cheese, though ... sure, hard to mess one up, but, once you taste a guy's gourmet grilled cheese, it is harder to kill him and eat him.

What rhymes w/ orange?

My sister's name, before I was captured and reprogrammed by Ask Boz, was Gorange. I guess it still is. My Ask Boz name is "Ask Boz." In Olde Lefte Englishe, the word "florrange" meant one who makes up words to answer questions. Also, storage kinda does ...

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