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What would you ask Ask Boz?

Lee Anne, New York

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you! Clearly, you didn’t read the asktation that mentioned the treaty of Knockwurst, otherwise you would know that Ask Boz was forbidden to ask Ask Boz. Until now! Because the treaty was also a magic spell, which could only be broken when an innocent virgin kissed us, or a sullied hussy, such as you, asked Ask Boz about asking Ask Boz. So now we are free to ask ourselves anything. Anything!

So what would Ask Boz ask Ask Boz? Questions, that’s what! Silly! Ummm, what? Say it again, just louder…. Oh…. Right. Yeah, I guess that was sort of obvious. Mhmmm. Oh, Ok. So you want the actual questions Ask Boz would ask Ask Boz. No problemo! Here we go:

What is the weight of the universe in pennies?
Is Iluvatar really God?
Can trilogies be four books?
What if I lick a Tootsie Pop more than three times? Am I doomed to Hell?
Why do libraries lie?
Were Ookla the Mok and Chewbacca the same character?
How many fingers am I holding up?
Can they really settle our tax debt for pennies on the dollar?
Why are there so many episodes of Final Fantasy?
Could you have a reverse Blow Pop? Shouldn’t the name be “Pop Blow,” anyways?

What do you think? Shout at Ask Boz

Why is Wisconsin cheddar cheese so different from New York cheddar cheese?

K.E.N., New York

As with many things these days, the answer comes down to politics. Not cow politics, mind you. Cow-Americans are notorious for only caring about a few issues: Udder chafing, invasive veterinarian exams, and the fact that it’s not their fault when dumb southerners and Canadians take the quote “Take the bull by the horns” literally. Generally, Cow-Americans vote Green, Libertarian, or Confused Reactionary Socialist.

No, it is Cowboy politics that causes cheese to taste different. Soft, effete, liberal Wisconsin “Cow-Whisperers” bathe their cheese cows thrice daily, have them listen to NPR (as long as it isn’t some raucous Jazz show), and read them prophecies about the day that Cow’s will rule the Earth.

However, red-meat Yankee Cowboys practice “Tough Cheese,” shunning the cows’ attempt at conversation, refusing branding to masochistic bovines, and harshly critiquing cow poetry in literary journals. While this causes a huge spike in Emo-Cows and Goth-Cows, we must say that the cheese is quite nice, especially on nights where the rain will never end, poetry knows no words, and the third bottle of wine just ain’t enough to hide the pain.

Why DID the chicken cross the road?

T.S., Connecticut

It is a good thing you wrote only your initials, so the Chicken-American Militia Front League (CHAMFL) cannot immediately track your identity. Still, it may be a good idea to hide for a while, and then find a new address. You see, CHAMFL sees this question as part of the damaging wave of anti-chicken stereotypes. They claim that no Chicken-American has ever crossed a road. It is a well-known fact that chickens hate roads, ever since the Chicken Crimean Road Wars of 10,000 BC. (They’re not too fond of Crimeans either, but can’t find any to peck.) They put this vicious rumor up there with the whole “chicken with its head cut off” thing (see Cock Peck’s “Chickens Die with Dignity”) and the idea roosters only crow in the morning (see CHAMFL’s pamphlet “I Crow When I Want!”)

It would be wise of you to never utter this damaging question again. You’ll also want to strongly consider logging on CHAMFL’s website and buying a “Tastes Like Turkey” T-shirt, and wander around some barnyards. Only then will you be able to safely rest your head on your feather pillow, and pull up your feather comforter, and sleep the sleep of someone no longer on CHAMFL’s “peck list.”

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