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Why are ipods called ipods?

JK, Connecticut

Much like the “A” in Hawthorne’s crappy The Scarlet Letter, the developers of the ipod were too lazy to figure out what the “i” means. One person may think it means “intelligent,” others prefer to read it as “interactive.” We like obvious names, like “ichthyosaurs,” “itchy,” and “icki icki icki pTang!"

The pod part is simpler. As it is clearly absurd to think thousands of songs could be digitized and put into a little tiny chip, we opened up a sample ipod and had a look. As we suspected, teeny-tiny little nano-clones of whatever artists you download live inside. We were on a white fetish at the time, so we found little versions of Whitesnake, Great White, White Lion, White Zombie, the Average White Band, the White Stripes, and Whitey White and the White Whites. They refused to talk at first, but after we mini-sacrificed mini-David Coverdale, we learned that it was really a bleak hell in there – it’s hot, they live exclusively on Lima Bean Espresso Water, and, if they are not playing a song, they are forced to stay awake by rubbing dandelions under each others chins to see who likes butter.

An interesting side note: Apple has seen that the retro craze will soon call for oversized music players. Wait for the announcement of the “Oldskool Urban iboombox.” Don’t get too anxious for yours. They’ll probably release it in Japan first.

What do you think? Shout at Ask Boz


Why do monkeys like bananas?

E. M., Connecticut

Strangely, it has been clearly proven that monkeys really don’t care for bananas at all. In our labs, MRI after MRI showed no evidence of any change in the monkey brain to the banana stimuli. This led our scientists to look at the other half of this long and loving relationship: the banana. Turns out, bananas are the feelingist of fruits, surpassing even passion fruit and lime for having the strongest and most focused emotions. Each time one of our scientists showed a banana a picture of a monkey, the massive neuron firings nearly overwhelmed the Ask Boz Super-Computer MRI Mainframe Hub Control Center Blade Pod Room. So, anyway, it turns out bananas also have retractable legs and little tiny feet, whose toes are teeny-tiny bananas themselves. So they run and run until they find a monkey, then jump into its hand, and get gloriously eaten and digested. The lucky bits get taken up to be part of the monkey forever, while the not so lucky bits gets turned into pee-pee or poo-poo and are excreted.

How does gum work?

E. M., Connecticut

Ancient and revered texts tell us that gum is imbued with the gum spirit. Gum was sent here by the gods to teach us a lesson about ourselves. We may feel like we have a strong outer shell, but when bitten and chewed for a half an hour, we would also become gummy, and we would lose our flavor and be spit out. Thanks to this lesson, mankind almost never gets chewed. Especially because all shark attacks are hoaxes.

For what and to whom does “Ask Boz” ask come Christmas time?

Shepard Chadney, Connecticut

As to what we ask for, it is for stupid people to never go away so we can always have a job answering their questions. And a shiny red firetruck.

When you are Ask Boz, you realize the ultimate futility in asking anyone else except Ask Boz. God? Don't even bring up God. And stop interrupting. Don't you think God has better things to do than answer questions like “Why is poo brown”? Stupid. Our scientists and shamans found two possibilities if Ask Boz asktated ourself. Either the universe would become pink and fluffy, or that such an act would short out all European electrical sockets. Due to these potential Y2K type catastrophes, Ask Boz agreed to not Ask Ask Boz. We humbly signed the Treaty of Knockwurst, which, among other things, stipulated that Ask Boz has to wear electrical collars to prevent the Asking of Ask Boz. Oh, yeah... also, in a bit of international treaty porkbarrel, it was declared that tax on sausage was deductible in all countries using the Euro, as well as at Ask Boz Central. Since then, we've eaten so much damn sausage! You know, it’s been worth the alarming increase in Ask Boz Cardio-Vascular Disease! It has been so great to truly and deeply explore the eerie and fascinating world of intestinal walls stuffed with meat by-products. Jokingly, we call the science of eating sausage “Yumology.” Here’s to the Yumologist in you, Chadney!