Ask Boz
4/10/08
Name: Rico
Location: Ct Wannabee
Question: Why do quitters never prosper?
It's a lie. Quitters always prosper. In fact, we only accept questions from people who have quit 50 times or more. And what defines prospering more than having your question answered by Ask Boz?
For instance, you, Rico, have quit exactly 76 times. Not only does this automatically make you the Senior Undersecretary of Pantsing here at Ask Boz, but it also makes you a journeyman level Quitter. Unlike novices, who sometimes only quit by mistake, or are horribly disfigured in a quitting accident, a journeyman Quitter has the hang of quitting and is working towards expertise at quitting almost anything. Sure, they can't yet quit with the style and focus of a professional Quitter, but after signing up for Advanced Quitting class they'll be on their way.
This is the place where we would usually manufacture a list of things that you have quit. But, happily, we really know you, so we can use some actual things we've seen you quit at. This is calculated to hurt you, Rico, and we enjoy it more because you don't deserve it.
Here's just a few things you've quit:- You quit competitive Ultimate Frisbee when you became a wee heavy. It wasn't only the weight that made you quit, but that it prevented you from playing defense well anymore. It turns out your previous defensive prowess compelely masked that your offensive game is pretty much "Catch the disc then jack it to no one." It was when your knickname went from Rico "Big D" Catarius to Rico "You Suck" Catarius that it was time to hang up the cleats. How Did I Prosper? Quitting meant fewer fat jokes and references to your eroding skills.
- Important for your improvement as a Quitter, you have pulled off a number of Double Quits. For instance, wanting to lose weight led to your decision to quit eating so much, closely followed by your decision to quit quitting eating so much.
Although this is a common double quit, it shows that you are willing to attempt far more difficult "combo-quits," thus becoming a
better Quitter overall.
How Did I Prosper? By being able to eat whenever and whatever the hell you wanted. - Your next double quit was hilarious. When you tried to quit being fat, you tried to quit drinking. We wanted to take bets on how long that one would last, but none of our cheap watches measured drunko-seconds. In fact, a full twenty-eight of your total quits have been from quitting drinking and then quitting quitting drinking. Obviously, a double-whammy like that really raises your overall "Quitting Index," especially since bonus points are awarded for the reverse quit. Since you're so good at quitting quitting drinking, you might want to go into it as your area of concentration.
How Did I Prosper? Duh! You get to drink! Hello, what else is going to mask your body image problems and howling loneliness? - You showed real Quitting growth when you quit living in Connecticut. Moving to New York provides you with a bunch of new people who never knew thin, athletic Rico. Cleverly, you photoshopped yourself fat into all your pictures, so your cruel, skinny past can't betray you.
How Did I Prosper? Your new friends don't think of you as a quitter; they think of you as some one who CAN! Like, "Man, can he drink," and "Whoa, that feller can eat," or "You think you can throw it really deep to no one one more time?"
Love ya, and miss ya,
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