THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why is it women find a man in a skirt so attractive? I was walking into a convenience store, sporting a very fashionable skirt for a tournament, minding my own business, when a group of sorostitutes in an SUV whistled at me. I discovered it wasn't my dashing good looks or irresistible charm that resulted in their whistling, but it was my skirt! Can you explain this phenomenon? Have you ever had a similar experience?

Rico

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Mrs. Rico,

Sometimes when we Ask Boz about one thing, we really are asking Ask Boz about something else, aren’t we, “Rico”? Our tiny, fragile, breaking, little-boy hearts really want Ask Boz to cut through the veils and lies, and see the truth, and help us. Is it going to be all better, Ask Boz? No, Rico, it’s not.

If you wrote other advice columns, like Ask Glen’s Mom or Ask Captain Furious, they would probably see your skirt wearing as a sign of your sexual confusion, or your desperate desire for Daddy’s attention. They would be right on both counts, but the Ask Boz super computer reveals that they missed the most obvious point: Mommy wanted you to be a girl.

Ah, it all becomes clear. The Strawberry Shortcake jumpers, the entire set of Nancy Drew Mysteries, the Wonder Woman Underoos. We know it must have taken a lot of strength to invite “the boys” over to your birthday party, telling them that frilly pink thing you wore was “just a costume,” and that your mommy called you Samantha “because she wuvs me.” How many layers of makeup do we have to scrub off to get the real Rico? We’ll tell you – 19. That’s how many times your friends beat you to a pulp because you exclaimed “yes!” after opening yet another gift-wrapped My Little Pony.

Rico, we all have the dream where our mother comes into the bedroom with stars for nipples, wearing a cowboy hat and sporting six-shooters, singing “revolution number 9,” but that’s besides the point.

Let’s talk a little bit more about your letter, shall we? Who were those girls in the SUV that whistled at your flabby ass in a skirt? Were they really “soristutes” Rico, sorority prostitutes, or the endless line of girls that have rejected you since you, ever since you wore your Easter bonnet to the first day of first grade? Who’s that in the passenger seat? Why it’s little Janey Applepie, the one who made you mad because she wouldn’t let you try on her dresses “just for fun.” Oh, and you recognize the girl in the back, don’t you? That’s Bobby JoPants! She’s the one that told you, “I only date boys.” You hate her second most because when you ran home, stumbling and sobbing, you “soiled the taffeta” of the new skirt mommy made for you. And you got yelled at, didn’t you? Yes you did!

And who yelled at you? Look behind the steering wheel, skirty. There’s the one you hate, and love, the most: Mommy. What’s that in her lap? A wrapped gift? Could it be “Tink-a-Tink-a-Too,” the last pony you need to have the complete “New Friends” collection? Maybe you should ask her, because that’s all you get from….

Ask Boz

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