THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Does it bother, scare, bewilder, confuse and generally terrorize you that Rico and Assman are currently working as substitute teachers at the same local high school?
-Assman (and Rico)

RESPONSORIAL

There’s only one thing that bothers, scares, bewilders, confuses, and terrorizes Ask Boz. That is our ongoing Advice Column feud with “The Dump,” who you may know better as “Scott Blankenburg”.* The Dump’s East of the River style of giving advice, which consists of actually seriously considering questions and giving reasoned answers, all without linking to absurd and disturbing pictures of albino donkeys, totally conflicts with our Westside style of diplodocus brain whimble-chunkey.

Actually, as you know during brief moments of insight, then forget because you’ve seen yet another opportunity to expose your dirty, hairy, disturbing butt, Assman and Rico are wholly owned creations of Ask Boz Industries, LLC. You are starring in the reality show Rico and the Assman, which you watch every Thursday night, but think is really stupid and derivative, even though you don’t quite know why. Yes, in the third season the two of you are cast as substitute teachers. Just to remind you, here are some highlights from the previous two seasons:

In a poorly conceived and wildly inappropriate series debut entitled “You Got Perved,” high-schoolers Rico and Assman disguise themselves as Latina girls and join a cheerleading squad in hopes of having “a real lesbian experience.” After a season of close calls and some really inspiring cheers, the boys are found out in the controversial season finale when Assman moons the opposing squad at the championships. The blinding light of his pale tush could not quite hide the “man” in Assman. The following bleacher clearing brawl is still all over You-Tube, and led to the new “Ultimate Cheerfighting” craze. Filming of season two was delayed as doctors struggled with removing pom-poms from all your various orifices.

Under threats from the FCC, ACLU, and the FDA, the second season was marked by a very different tone. “Touched by an Assman” featured Rico and Assman going around the world arranging charity basketball tournaments against some of earth’s most underprivileged players. They were never really challenged by their emaciated opponents, who redefined the “fade away jumper” by fainting while trying to shoot. While compiling a record of 42 and 0 against their prone opponents, the kind hearted boys managed to raise $500 dollars, though all but 10 cents was spent on beer and coach Kevin McHenry’s obsession with vegan underwear.

While we can’t reveal any of the plots of the upcoming season, here are some episode titles: “Word Scrambles for the Dyslexic,” “The Assman Cometh,” “Severe Hippy Beetdown,” and “To Assman with Love.”

While this does answer your question, you won’t remember it long. In thirteen seconds you will pull down your pants when the cat comes in the room and forget this completely. Those who do remember can see that hilarious scene on the 24-hour camera available at ricoassman.edu.

*He had quotations legally added to his name in 1984. It is actually a Class A misdemeanor to say his name without curling both index and middle fingers and holding them up in the air on either side of your mouth.

Ask Boz

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