Dear Boz,

It's not that hard. It works like this. Irish people like to drink, but some people frown on it. So, you make it semi-religious, associate with a Saint, and suddenly EVERYONE likes drinking, at least one day a year.

Men like to get some. Women like red flowers. One day a year, you buy women 10 or 11 red flowers, and you get some. Associate it with a Saint, and even Catholics don't need to feel guilty.

You see the pattern: link some sort of questioned behavior with a Saint, and it becomes OK. Here's a few bad habits just looking for a Saint to save them:

Multi-tasking: Gotta start small, people. Though we all do it, multi-tasking is frowned on as some sort of ADD excuse to not concentrate. But along come St. Drogo to save us. See, he is reported to be able to literally be in two places at once. Like, he could simultaneously be ordering a pint at a bar and be buying a dozen roses, for, well, you know what.

Pot smoking: Since drinking is sanctioned by St. Patrick and, by logical extension, the Pope and the entire Catholic church, can a holiday that celebrates smoking weed be far behind? Until we have Saint Marley to pray to, we'll have to make due with St. Hildegard's Day.

Why? Classic stoner ability to work a little on many random projects. She drew strange pictures. She wrote songs. She wrote about orgasms. And she made her own alphabet. Her writings described "the natural world around her, including the cosmos, animals, plants, stones, and minerals." I mean, dude, she totally understood stuff, and could write about it in a language nobody would understand. SWEET!

Swinging: According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, St. Catherine of Sienna was known to "gather disciples round her, both men and women, who formed a wonderful spiritual fellowship, united to her by the bonds of mystical love." Close enough to make her the Patron Saint of Swinging. St. Catherine's Day would be a holiday where married couples and anonymous strangers could get together and feel the mystical bond of meaningless sex. We might as well sanction this sooner than later. I mean, have you seen Craig's List?

If you want to make your own holidays, go to the Catholic Encyclopedia yourself. There's a Saint for every occassion. Plus, it's enjoyable to read about people being sainted for exactly the kind of thing that would get anyone else excommunicated and put in jail.

Boz

Last time: How to answer a tough costumer service question.

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