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THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Has anyone ever scored a 1600 on their SAT? What advice would you give to score perfect on an SAT? -Matt B.

RESPONSORIAL

As you may or may not know, there is a "new" SAT. The test has been taken over by the KingMcBurgeralds Corporation, LLC, DDS, and a marketing analysis showed that the average high school student desired a more "biggie-sized" SAT experience. Now it has 17 sections, including the standard Math and Verbal sections, but adding the more controversial Erotic Letters and Texting sections. They dropped the Analogy section due to the howl from the button-down, typewriter using academics when they saw the analogy:

LOL is to OMG as ;) is to-
A. :(
B. :}
C. =]
D. Barak Obama

So the SAT now takes 112 hours spread over three days. By the time the bleary-eyed student emerges, not only have they taken the most comprehensive and sexy test known to the planet, but have also entered the tribe as a full member and have found their spirit animal.

As for the second part of your question, gaining the perfect score is not nearly as easy as it used to be. Because the new test not only measures academic prowess, but also athletic dexterity, physical endurance, and the ability to pen naughty letters to adult magazines, a youngsters needs to do so much more than study endless vocabulary lists. In fact, it is suggested that as they study their lists, they should be doing all of the following:

  1. Walking on a bed of hot coals. Feel free to subsitute coals with hot razor-sharp glass for students looking to go to Ivy League schools or Oxford.
  2. Texting on three different phones at once. This will require extraordinary skill. Unless you are a many-handed Indian god/goddess, in which case this task will be incredibly easy.
  3. Use a Penthouse Thesaurus to find different ways to reference the genitals, mammaries, and ears.
  4. Practice hitting the high notes from "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. This song is almost always in the "Cheesy Classic Rock Karaoke" section.

Be warned: only one student has passed the dreaded "Kobayashi Maru" portion of this exam. Congrats are still in order for Captain James T. Kirk.

Good luck to all the test-takers out there. And don't forget a No. 2 pencil, a calculator, and the fully livable Bio-World with at least one newly evolved creature.

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