THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

I noticed that a lot of hip-hop superstars have their own energy drinks these days. Crunk!!!, Pimp Juice, Super Fresh Ice, Antelope Love Spunk, etc. Will Ask Boz be following suit? I know that Ask Boz is huge in Weatogue & the greater Niagara Falls area. But it seems the lack of official swag might be the problem with Ask Boz going global. Whore yourself out to corporate America and be on with it...

Brad, Connecticut

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Brad,

You may not know this, due to our modesty, but Ask Boz is bigger than all of corporate America combined. Actually, you can add in corporate Myanmar, corporate Chad, and corporate Venus, and we’re still bigger. In fact, we’re only a teeny bit smaller than the entire porn industry. So, ironically, we actually asked corporate America to whore themselves to Ask Boz, but they weren’t into it. Jerks!

Anyway, even if we were tiny enough to sell our soul to generous capitalists, everyone already does that. Instead, we’ve put together a plan to sell out to two bastions of conservative traditional family values: The National Organization of Women, and Planned Parenthood! They immediately embraced the synergy between our worldwide dominance of everything, combined with their valiant attempts to turn back the clock to a time, a time when women knew their place as baby-making servants of the stern, but kindly, and very hairy male.

What says tradition more than a sugar-laden sports drink? Nuthin’, that’s what. We understand the need to have your baby within the bounds of you male-female God-approved marriage. Our “Baby X-treme Chiller-Blue” practically guarantees insemination of the fetus, and also gives you all the nutrients you need to calmly endure the “pain” and “strain” that women pretend comes with childbirth.

Afraid that precious little pearl of God’s holy grace might turn out to be some hippie-homo-lib-vegan? The combination of ingredients in “Meaty Straight!” liquid meat product hooks the younglings on beef hormones! As the young innocent puts back quart after quart of “Meaty Straight!” they’ll watch the accompanying “Meaty Straight!” CDs and DVDs, promoting positive values such as violence, close-mindedness, and go it alone alienation! “Meaty Straight!” comic books feature Captain Savage, who, long retired from fighting the yellow menace, comes back to battle the dangerous League of Homosexual Hippie Vegans, cleverly acronymed as LOHVV. Happily, the hippies inability to actually do anything at all, never mind anything diabolical, or even somewhat organized, is no match for Captain Savage’s God-given superior fire-power and hair-trigger rage. What young boy can resist such longstanding values, especially when they are presented with explosions, and with frequent, hilarious, hippy decapitations? Plus, Savage hits the legumes pretty hard …. with double-fisted fury!

You know there’s more!

Fire ‘n th’ Hole: Just not feeling up to your Bible-commanded wifely duty? Fire ‘n th’ Hole “has your front.” (Arousal lasting more than 82 hours, though rare, should be brought to your pastor’s attention.)

Eye for an Eye Refrigerated Storage: The Biblical literalist in you can’t resist taking the eyes or teeth of your enemy. While teeth conveniently make neck and wrist jewelry, removed eyes are more problematic. Our glass-fronted eye-storage devices lovingly display these examples of your wrath. It’s amazing how easy it is to win arguments with a well-stocked eye fridge prominently displayed on the mantle.

Losing a biblical battle with a Mormon or a Papist? Unleash Gospel Gator to bring a lil’ “Old Testament” judgment on their hell-bound behinds. Comes in traditional green or hellfire red.

Yours truly,

Ask Boz

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