will i ever get the sechs?

In the centuries of Ask Bozzes existence, we may never have encountered a more difficult question. Our annals point to only one other question that was similarly hard to understand. A very drunk Genghis Khan asked "Where's sooth the hounds, yo?" (We did a wonderful "sweep of time" question that brought in Shakespeare, Hip-Hop, and houndstooth jackets. It was a complete flop in the 1200's, but was recently given the Billy Pilgrim "Unstuck in Timey" award for best advice for multiple centuries.)

Now we have this. Unlike Mr. Khan's question, yours is completely understandable until the last word. What, then, is "sechs." Here be a few possibilities!

1. As this site's present incarnation grew out of an Ultimate Frisbee website, perhaps "sechs" is some new hip slang word for "Sectionals." But as Sectionals be the first round of playoffs, and because Ultimate Frisbee is a hippy sport played by dirty, smelly, hippies who can even make plastic reek, anyone with a team can get into the local sectionals, if they sign up in time. So getting into "sechs" is a little harder than confusing a hippy by shouting "Look, there's Jerry's ghost!"
2. "Sechs" is the German word for seven. Now, "will i ever get the seven" may make less sense than your original question. Seven what? Deadly sins? Listen, if you don't know how to get those, well ... just start with a pint of cherry whiskey and an all you can eat buffet at a trucker place, and you should be able to take down three or four sins in an hour. Or perhaps you want to be one of the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse? (Three more were added in the recently written Revelations II: Super Jerusalem. They are "Toe Fungus," "Ennui," and "Global Warming.") We gave the original four a call. Conquest answered, and seemed in good spirits. He said Plague is doing fine, keeping herself busy, and the same for Famine. But he did mention that, lately, War has been saying things like "Maybe we can all get along," and "War, hah, good God, y'all, what is it good for?" I think War must have been in the room, because Conquest whispered that if you want to try to take War's job, you can apply on-line at 7horsepeople.com. So if that is what you are asking, good luck, and vote Republican!
3. We have to admit, when you say "sechs" out loud it sounds a lot like "sex." So maybe you want a lil' hummuna-hummana? Well, the answer is, yes, you will have sex, but it will be disappointingly quick due to so much build-up, and because of the voodoo curse we put on you. Or maybe you're asking a deeper question. "The sex" would imply that, somewhere out there, there is a Platonic ideal of sex, a sex so perfectly loving, sensual, erotic, and powerful that each attempt at achieving it would only be a shadow of this great "uberintercourse." And you'd be right! Sadly for you, you will never attain this as long as Ask Boz can help it. You see, we went to the Ideational Plane and captured "The Sex" and have put it into a containment room. For now, we are just kind of enjoying the feeling of owning Sex in its purest form. In the future, we might set up some kind of coin operated window thing, so you can at least get a glimpse, but not the sleazy kind of place. You know, we'll do it big AB style! Clean floors, soothing music, Kleenex with lotion. Until then, enjoy having your flaccid, meaningless imitation of the real thing!

So there you have it. Which one is the answer, you ask? Well, all three, of course! We have also captured "The Perfect Answer," and have enslaved it to our diabolical uses. We're always right, Bozzatch!

Ask Boz

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