Dear Ask Boz,

Hey Boz, if you could be a shapeshifter would you be a LION?
Vinny

Dear Vinny,

What do you mean "if" I were a shape shifter. I've been a shape shifter for thousands of years, foo'!

I learned shape shifting from my cat. His name was Lawrence. Lawrence was a gift from the Wizard of the North. (Oh, I should mention, this is when I was a myth.) Lawrence was the Wizard's star pupil, not just because he was really good at magic, but because he was a cat that was really good at magic. Kinda made him stand out from the other pupils. Except the lemur. But the lemur sucked at magic, so it didn't matter. I hated that lemur.

Anyhoo, Lawrence was a great teacher. He taught me shape shifting in about three days. He also taught me how to get girls by leaving moles on their doorsteps. I've used the shape shifting on and off since; the mole trick only seems to work with Southern and Russian girls.

Your question is pretty amazing, since I seem almost stuck on shape shifting into lion form. At first, I had bad luck being a lion in the world of myth and legend. Seems like every future legend on his way up had to take out a lion to prove his worth.

First I was the Nemean Lion, the one that Hercules killed. I was pretty distracted by him being all naked except for that red kimono. He borrowed it from his wife. He told me that as he was skinning me with my own claw. He wore my pelt as his armor from then on out, which was really a fashion upgrade for him.

That wasn't the end of my death at the hand of men in women's clothing. Here I am as the lion that King David slew. That's my damn sheep! Plus it's kinda embarrassing that he killed me dressed in his sister's bathrobe. All the other dead lions had a good time with that one! I'd thought there would never be an end to the jokes. "Did you see Boz get killed by that guy in a mini-skirt and a belly shirt?" Hardy-har.

That was all pretty traumatic. I stopped being a lion for quite a while after that, especially during the Greek and Roman period where well armed men practically fell all over themselves to dress in the height of women's fashion.

I pretty much left shape shifting behind until I met Ernest Hemingway. I was down on my luck, and I needed some money, so he convinced me that, since I'm imaginary, and thus apparently immortal, there's no harm in getting shot as a trophy. Being pretty convinced that he wouldn't dress up like a girl, I took the job.

This opened up a whole new era for me. Hemingway spoke highly of me, and I got a bunch of acting jobs. First it was the Cowardly Lion, then as Lionel from the Jeffersons. I was every single lion in The Lion King, which garnered me an Oscar for "Best Imaginary Actor in a Cartoon or Porn Movie."

I'm hoping for a starring role in the upcoming movie Teen Lion, so wish me luck. Oh, and you probably guessed the Wizard of the North was my father. It's true. What was cool was, because he was a shape shifter, he was also my mom. Don't ask about the biology of it. You really can't handle the truth.

Raaaaaaaar!!!

Boz

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