Dear Ask Boz,
You make fun of Jonas for being pale, which he is, and Bill Mill for being dull, which he is, so does that mean you actually think I'm dumb?
Frightened and Alone,
Sierra

Dear Sierra,
Often the initial reaction after reading Ask Boz'z answer is emotional devastation. You have read it over twenty or thirty times, until it is more worn out than Bill Mill's "A boring guy sits alone in an empty room" series of jokes. The brief candle of pride and self-worth gutters, and the dimness of your normal self-doubt and self-loathing creeps back in.

What can any of you hope to be when measured against Ask Boz? Shouldn't you find a more realistic comparison? Like Big Mike, for example. He's as dumb as a two-dollar robot. You're much smarter than him. Trey faints from the mental exertion of tying his shoes. You tie yours like a Nobel Laureate. Irene Wong just stares at doors until someone opens them for her, then whispers, "That was cool!" You've opened doors like a champ for years.

Still, if you are concerned about attaining an Ask Boz level of intelligence, start with a couple of short questions from the ABSAT:

Three descriptions follow. One matches Boz, one Ask Boz, and the other Kevin McHenry. Can you label them correctly?

1. Hairy, slightly overweight player, with a questionable forehand and a mysterious and recent elevation to "handler" status. Says foolish and offensive things quite loudly. He is free with his own bodily expectorations and quite amused by them. He has a repugnant and immoral affection for his dog. Most obviously, he doesn't nearly live up to the woman he is married to. Writes a mean-spirited and angry column that hurts peoples' feelings, yet successfully deflects blame to his fictional alternate persona. Circle one: Boz, Kevin, Ask Boz
2. A dirty, smelly, awful, stinky, repugnant, odiferous, oogenerous, stanky, smelly, lousy, hippy smelly loser stink bomb man. Has no job, or use. Often seen wandering in a dippy daze, ignoring all acknowledged societal norms about smell, or using combs, or toilet paper, or showering, or being by any means useful. A failure at the careers or doorstop and paperweight. Circle one: Boz, Kevin, Ask Boz
3. This guy is the man. Though a powerful overlord of wit and esoteric pictures, his gentle kindness, kind gentleness, and enveloping love make all of those who ask him questions feel, for a little while, happy with themselves. Able to heal disease with a wink. Lets other people get the glory for jobs that are too easy for him. Did you know that he let Neo defeat the Matrix because it was so obvious what to do? He can be pale like Jonas if he needs to. His one weakness? He's profoundly interesting, so he can't ever be Bill Mill. Skills like BM's just come naturally. Circle one: Boz, Kevin, Ask Boz

Put the following events in the life of Ask Boz in correct order:

1. Askbozasaurus Rex answers the questions of fellow dinosaurs before mauling them. He especially enjoyed killing hippy herbivorous dinosaurs.
2. Ask Boz brings primitive man fire. He answers their questions about what to do with fire with some of the following: 'bathe with it,' 'hide in it,' and 'get in fights with it.' Hides in trees and laughs as man burns himself frequently over the ensuing decades.
3. Ask Boz introduces the term nipple into many sets of directions for installing lighting. Similar talk of male and female 'ends' soon follows this success.
4. Misreading the direction of the Cold War while living in the USSR, Ask Comrade Boz debuts. It is best that the pinkos lost, however, since even the great creative genius smart minds of Ask Boz had a hard time answering variations of the question "How should we celebrate the great proletarian victory over the heartless bourgeoisie?" Plus, Ask Boz has this really consuming need for bread that could never be satisfied by rationing.
5. The first Ask Boz column is written in the Garden of Eden. God knows no one will soon forget AB'z hilarious advice to Adam when asked, "Eve is really hot, and thinks I should eat this apple. God said "no," but how will He possibly know? What would you do, Ask Boz? ps U R HT 2, Lv, Adam." Oh, that was a good one!! Most people think that in the early creation era, the only funnier Ask Boz was when God queried, "Mankind is an evil lot of perverts and mad men. Except for this one guy named Norm or something. Part of me wants to destroy them all, but the other part wants to open them up to the goodness that I have given to them all. What do you do when those you create go wrong, Ask Boz? W B soon, God." For the record, our answer about a flood slaughtering nearly all life on the planet was funnier than the reality. But only by just a little.

Those questions weren't so hard, right? Let's just see how you did on the quiz! MMhmm... Yes .. Mmmm .. Right .. YES!YES! ...right there, yes... mmmmmmhmmmmm... Oh, yes, right there, yes, yes YES! Look, you got them ALL right!!! Very good, Sierra. This means you're smarter than the entire Connecticut Ultimate League. So celebrate as much as you want, Sierra, despite the fact you're still not as smart as -

Boz

Ask a question! Click here.

Archive of the latest responses.

Hey! Let's face it, Ask Boz updates once a week at best. Instead of having to check back, get the update sent to you. Click here and add Ask Boz to your feeds.

Subscribe It's easy and free, like Boz.

Share on Facebook

NOW! Vote for us at Humor Links

We are listed in the Comedy Zone

 

 
Name or email

How you at?
 
Question or comment
 
 
        
                 or