Dear Ask Boz,

Actually there are thousands of female Smurfs. What is confusing is why Smurfette is the only female smurf seen in the long running reality show The Smurfs. Happily, Smurfette's story is a pathetic series of horrible decisions, one move more tragic than the last.

She grew up in a Smurf colony far from the one we're all familiar with. Raised by a close, loving family, Smurfette's life was ideal. She was popular, athletic and balanced; she could party with the best of them, but never lost sight of her academic and professional goals.

The night of her Senior Prom seemed to be the delicious icing on life's beautiful cake. She was elected Prom Queen and her boyfriend was Prom King. They danced the night away, and Smurfette thought it was better than being in a movie, because it was real.

That was until she discovered him in a scandalous tryst with a younger woman. Too stunned to act, she stumbled away, rage and disbelief mingling to derange her mind. On her way out of the dance hall, she stole the pint of Smurfnoff Vodka out Drinky Smurf's coat and swigged as she walked downtown. The rest of her night was spent in a blackout that changed her life.

When she came to, the Smurf Bus was pulling away, and she was facing a wall of jungle trees that seemed to have no opening. Then, in a rustling of fronds, the largest female Smurf she'd ever seen emerged. This was the beginning of her sojourn with the Smurfazons.

At first, life with the Smurfazons seemed the perfect contrast to her shattered dream world. Affection was replaced with stoicism, Ladies Smurfsketball was replaced with killing animals with bows, making out with boys was replaced with making out with women. For a time she was content to become a lean, fierce female warrior, and a raging homosexual.

But neither lesbian sex nor the slaughter of animals could truly heal her broken heart. Though she longed for home, Smurfette was not ready to return. One night, she was smurfing the web, and she came across an ad: Female wanted for all male Smurf colony. Must like mushroom houses and frolicking. It was like a sign from above! She had grown up in a mushroom house. And she just loved to frolic!!!

We all remember the nice Smurf men in their mushroom houses, and they certainly all frolicked. And Smurfette seemed happy, right? Well, Dani, like all women, Smurfette hid her true feelings behind a light-hearted smile. Not to say she didn't have good times: she loved every single one of those kind, fun-loving gay Smurf men.

Yep, Dani, she stumbled from the Smurfy gay frying pan right into the Smurfy gay fire. Though she spent nine happy years with them, with each passing day she wished a little more for the passionate embrace of a man. Plus, she wanted to be around men that didn't steal her Coach bag or talk constantly about Smurfy Ga Ga.

So, finally, after almost fifteen years of separation, she returned home. Far from the happy greeting she longed for, she found her homeland devastated and taken over by Lego Darth Vader.

Quick to adjust, she married Lego Vader. He turned out to have a deep sensitive side and he was a generous lover. She gave birth to several Sith lords, including the notorious Darth Smurfius and the flamboyant Darth Flamingest. And she lived happily ever after. The end.

Boz

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