THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why am I so good at everything?

RESPONSORIAL

Because you have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in the Ask Boz series of Ask Boz guides for finding advice and help from Ask Boz. This led you to the Ask Boz Encyclopedia of Everything Gooding Do. Not only is the title awkwardly worded, but we also foolishly only released these guides on outdated and unused technologies. Really, who wants to be just like the other losers who release boring old CD's, video tapes, and DVD's with their self-help guides, when we can make getting our advice far, far more difficult? Here's just a few examples of some of the things you bought that have made you so much gooder at everythinging.

1. Remember hiking to remote Asiatic mountains just to find our series of self-help cave paintings? This is why your mad good at hunting mastadons and landing really hot religious icon chicas.
2. Or perhaps you remember our terribly inneficient guide Scratch Like Turn of the Century DJ's by Mixmistress Valencia. Sure, in reality, there was no Mixmistress Valencia, but who's better than you at cranking a victrola and scratching the old '78s?
3. Our pamphlet "How to be totally bangin' at the telegraph" sure made you totally banging at the telegraph. We remember that you never thought it would come in handy, until the aliens attacked and you helped alert the Brits about how to bring down their ships. BTW, did you get us Will Smith's autograph? Thanks for the Jeff Goldblum, but, let's face it, a Goldblum is worth about as much as a torn Bazooka Joe comic.
4. We remember you telling us how useful our "Dog Training the Ask Boz Way" 8-track tapes were to you when you trained your Rottweiler/Pit Bull mix. Oh, no, wait. Actually, you complained that the loud skip as the tracks switched seemed to always be just when an important part of the training regimen was being defined. Still, it is pretty cool that when you put your hand down for "Sit" your dog pees, and when you make the hand signal for "come" he ... well, you know what he does. This is a family website, after all.
5. And what about those lovely film strips we all remember falling asleep to in history class? You learned everything you needed to know about sex from a nice strip in health class. For instance how [beep] can lead to a craving for more [beep]and, of course, a nice heaping of [beep]. Inevitably, this leads to more than one instance of [beep], resulting in the continuance of the species [beep].
6. Perhaps you learned the most from spending hours upon hours viewing the microphice of the Rutega, Idaho Republican Extravagancer. You wow people at parties with your in-depth knowledge of the blight of '07, when Farmer Slocum and his wives were forced to slaughter all their potatoes, lest the blight spread to other crops; you sure create any eerie picture of the silence lingering above the halved and quartered spuds, where only hours before they had been happily calling to each other like any frisky potato would. And whose eyes don't well up with tears when they hear the story of Stupid Billy, who was stuck in a two foot well for nigh on a year, because everytime someone passed by they just said "What's that Stupid Billy up to now?" completely oblivious to the fact that they had just passed him minutes before. Or, maybe you tell them of the fire of 1978, which was really just a bonfire started by accident, but for a little while the town thought they had invented a new heat source, and everyone liked to tell about how Bobby JoPants declared "We is gonna be Beverly Hill-Billy rich!"
7. Finally, you read "Let's Go Daguerreotype" and you became an expert at making people stand expressionless for painfully long periods of time until the became bored and began to hate you.

Well, congrats at being good at everything! Sadly, you cannot join us here at Ask Boz, where we pride ourselves on being bad at nothing!

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