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Dear Ask Boz,

i have been known to occasionally spike a disc in particularly heated games, and every time my spike has been received with much booing and shaking of heads and calling "spirit foul". i love spiking, it is a wonderful outlet for my intensity, and it feels right. am i the only one who feels this way? is there anyway to spike without upsetting the entire field? i believe this is an important issue and eagerly await your reply.

-Jake Taylor


Jacob, Jacob, Jacob,

Are you still listening to people? Aren’t you beyond that yet? You haven’t read Ask Bozientology, by A. Boz Hubbard, have you? Well, have you? Answer us, cur!!! We’ll eviscerate your flesh and eat your kittens!!! We’ll jump ugly with y- … oh, crap. There we go again. Sorry.

Bozientology forces you to develop your inner Ask Boz. When Ask Boz has assumed complete control, you’ll realize that other's negative reactions to your behavior only seem like condemnations; instead, they are truly affirmations of your ways. Remember the Ask Boz maxim: “The correct action offends everyone.”

Jacob. It sounds like you are close to an epiphany. Soon you will realize that you should expand your spiking, not limit it. Spike it everywhere, Jacob. And not only that, talk clever, topical, or erudite trash each time you do so. For instance, next time you spike it on the field, state “Like the Goths did it to the Romans, Bozzatch!” That’s going to feel so good that you will begin spiking it during play, shouting your great slogans, such as: “You’re beans and I’m the Jolly Green Giant,” or, “What’s the Kool Aid guy say? “Oh Yeah!”

When you spike it in the middle of the point, be ready. Some will try to say you have turned it over. Have you turned it over, sweet boy? NO!!! Kill the one guarding you, and then shout, “Whatever happened to Spirit of the Game?” Calmly light a cigarette and mutter, “I’m outta here… Ultimate used to be about soul, and spiking it to piss people off.” Then get in your car, hold your disc at the ready and proceed to the following “Spike Opportunity Nexuses” (SON)

  1. Spike it when the light stays green. Shout, “Traffic flow patterns are on my side! Ask This, Ask Boz!”
  2. Put tacks in bowls of candy, and when someone gets poked, spike it while saying, “I make you bleed, Bozzatch!”
  3. Spike it after a particularly cool part of a symphony, then yell, “I love Beethoven,” no matter the composer.
  4. Spike it after a really nice haircut. Don’t forget to tip your stylist.
  5. Spike it during sexual climax, shouting, “I make you the opposite of the energizer bunny!”
  6. Spike it when you win a thumb war and scream, “Your thumb can’t oppose me!”

Increasing your amount of spiking will immediately remove such impediments as friendship and love, and put you firmly in contention for alpha-male status. Soon, you'll be spiking your way down the Super Ape evolutionary ladder, getting more and more powerful, hairy, and smelly. No, you're not turning into an Italian, but into a full-fledged Ask Boz. Dreams really do come true!

Ask Boz