THE ASKTATION

Most Mighty Ask Boz,

I wear baggy clothes, am clean shaven, and don't smoke. I have a hard time telling which direction the wind is blowing. Would more body hair help?

Matt Stroop Doggy Dog

RESPONSORIAL

Dearest Sierra,

For shizzle, Snizzle Dizzle, when the wizzle is all a’blizzin’, wet your dizzle and stick it right out into the socketizzle … what? This isn’t Snoop Dog? It’s Stroop Dog? Oh. Fizzle.

All right, den. Matt Stroop, ARE YOU READY FOR THE ASK BOZ WIND DIRECTION CHALLENGE???!!!! That’s right, in just two short weeks, the campus at the Ask Boz Institute will host our bi-millenial Wind Direction Challenge. Yes, it is about to… um… beginements? Startingly? Unover? Shizzle. You get the I-dizzle.

The rules are simple. Because we can’t allow any technology to be used to tell the wind’s direction, contestants are stripped butt naked and smeared with strawberry j … what? Oh, yeah, sorry. That’s for the ASK BOZ SMEARED WITH STRAWBERRY JAM CHALLENGE!!!!! Okay, anyway, after you strip, and, I mean if you want to, you know, smear yourself with jam, or really anything smearable, go ahead, and then you can then proceed to hit your hippy with anything available in nature: sticks, rocks, clods of earth, even his own smelly Birkenstocks… what now? Oh, don’t tell me. The Ask Boz Hippy Beating Funstravaganza, right? Right. Wow, I’m not really focused, am I? Well, the rules are on the web-site. Maybe.

Matt Stroop, are you afraid that you will be at a disadvantage to all the Ask Boz imitators covered with luxurious, healthy, high-pro glow hair? Just apply “Ask Boz Press-On Hair” and soon the direction of the wind will be obvious as it gently ruffles the curly locks on your chest, back, and taut, supple buttocks. Even if you don’t win the challenge, your new hair will help you develop a completely baseless self-confidence, a sense of humor sure to amuse your friends and offend their wives, and a fine collection of animal hair brushes. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!!! Oh, no, wait. That is all. Sorry.

Well, Matt, early registration closes soon, but late registration starts early! If you miss those, than you miss the care bag with your t-shirt, Ask Boz Ennui Bar, “Let Go, Ask Boz” bumper sticker, and thousands of tiny, multi-colored rubber bands to braid your body hair. You can’t afford to be late!

See you at the challenge!

Ask Boz

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